Main | Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Turnstyle Tirade

Subway Shit I Hate:

1. Those IDIOTS that RUN between the S Train and 1/2/3/9 lines in the Times Square Station. Yes, I know you are trying to get to your commuter train in Penn Station or Grand Central. No, I don't give a fuck that the last train to Mamaroneck or Massapequa leaves at 6:15. MY train comes every 2 minutes, HAH! I've considered carrying an uncapped magic marker in each hand, THAT'LL learn 'em to push me aside.

2. Being tortured by that traveling 'family' of 'singers' on the S Train shuttle. They ride back forth under 42nd Street all afternoon. 'Dad' pitches their tragic, homeless, hungry plight to a car full of executrons desperately trying to pretend they can't hear or see. Then the 3 'kids' launch into a tambourine-assisted version of 'Help!' by The Beatles. (Back closer to 9/11 they would perform various patriotic numbers, 'This Land Is Your Land' being a frequent victim.)

3. Those 3 black Jehovah's Witness women who thrust their copies of Watchtower at me, EVERY freekin time I come down the stairs under my office building. The first 200 times, I probably muttered 'No, thank you', or something vaguely polite but dismissive. Now, if I can't evade being within arm's length in the passing crowd, I just say 'Saaaatan!' in an evil, low voice.

4. People who are so desperate to get to where they are going, they walk forward thru the moving train, exiting and entering the cars and forcing the passengers to move for them as they gain a tiny bit of distance. How much fucking difference can it make? My new plan: stand my ground.

5. Fare thieves who offer to swipe their unlimited use card for you for only a dollar, while you are buying a card at the fare machine. (Regular fare is $2). After saying 'NO!' and 'NOT INTERESTED!' a few dozen times, now I just say 'Call the police! This guy wants me to steal from the city!'. I wonder if this is going to get me stabbed one day.

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