The Ones That Were Wrong For Me
Section II, 1990-2000 (Abridged)
- The one that always said her name "Donna Summers", with the "s" on the end, even though he knew it was wrong and knew that it bugged me.
- The one that told everybody he was Italian, when in fact he was Mexican.
- The one that chastely put off any sex until the fourth date, and then when we finally got naked, literally recoiled from my hands, saying "Um, I'm not really into touching."
- The one that laughed out loud, actually hooting, actually slapping his knees in glee, while watching reruns of Too Close For Comfort or Perfect Strangers.
- The one who relocated our date to the restaurant right behind his house, because it was within range of his electronic monitoring bracelet.
- The one that got down on his knees and prayed for forgiveness after we had sex.
- The one that had long conversations with the fish in his aquarium, asking them how their day was, and whether they were hungry, and did they want any new roommates. All in his funny, squeaky "fish" voice.
- The one that asked me how I could stand having such queeny friends.
- The one who during the first (and only) time we had sex, asked me to fuck him, during which he whimpered "Why Daddy, why? I'm just a little boy!"
- The one who consulted his astrology chart before he'd get on a plane.
- The one who slept with the sheet tucked in all around his body, including over his head, like a cadaver.
- The one who "playfully" liked to trip, tickle, pinch and push me.
- The one who voted for Bush the First.
- The one who listened to Color Me Barbra at least 5 times a day.
- The one that insisted on an empty seat between us at the movies, so we didn't look gay.
- The one that was rude to waiters, clerks, delivery men and hotel staff.
- The one who believed that man had never actually been on the moon and every other conspiracy theory he read.
- The one who lavished me with gifts of designer clothing, which it turned out he'd been stealing from his employer, Neiman-Marcus.
- The one who wouldn't meet me for lunch at Sizzler, because he was afraid someone would see him there. Not with me, but AT a Sizzler.
- The one that was married and said that his wife "knew", and that it was OK with her that he dated men, and that they were only staying together for the sake of their FIVE kids. Then he had her call me to say she didn't mind if I was dating her husband.