Main | Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Watching

Fourth in a series dedicated to proving I am undatable.

Television. The thing that couples share more than any other waking activity. More than sex, more than eating, more than anything else, you spend the most time watching television with the person you are dating. And that's fine with me, as long as the other person is completely willing to surrender to my inflexible watching habits.

Do you like Desperate Housewives? Lost? Survivor? Well, kiss 'em good-bye, because I don't watch those shows. Likewise for The Apprentice, America's Next Top Model, CSI, and Extreme Makeover. I've never seen a single episode of those shows. Don't plan on seeing one, either.

In fact, let's just rule out three entire television genres entirely, shall we?

You and I, my potential lover, will never watch a single reality program. Never, ever. No Being Bobby Brown, no Newlyweds , no Growing Up Gotti. Not one single dumbass show about the boring everydayness of celebrity lives will ever flicker across my screen. You'll have to find someone else with whom to enjoy those reruns of Richard Simmons' Dream Maker.

Likewise, we will never watch any contest shows. No Amazing Race, no American Idol, no So You Think You Can Dance. In fact, let's include game shows in this category. Absolutely no Celebrity Poker or Fear Factor. Bob Barker perfected the game show with The Price Is Right, anything beside that, you're watching at your own house, alone.

The third category of television shows that we will never share, my nonexistent lover, is makeover shows. There will be no Swan, no Supernanny, no Biggest Loser. I don't want to see someone undergo gruesome facial surgery, or watch screaming children misbehave, or endure a bunch of washed up C-List celebrities stage fights with each other. I can see all of that in real life, at my office.

So. What does that leave us, my unseen schmoopie?

First of all, hand me that remote. I'm the only one allowed to operate it. In fact, I'd prefer it if you just tried not to touch it too much. I like my settings the way I have them. Don't mess with my Favorites, don't reconfigure my Preferences.

Tonight we'll be watching reruns of Law & Order on TNT. If it's a good night, they start at 7PM and run until 11PM, although I'll be asleep by the time the 10PM episode starts, but DON'T YOU DARE change the channel or turn the tv off! On sucky nights, TNT has basketball or some crap, in which case we'll spend the evening flipping between Discovery, History and the 30 movie channels I pay for. And YES, I am perfectly capable of following the plots of ten different shows on ten different channels simultaneously. Why, aren't YOU?

Oh, and another thing, my darling. You can trash the VCR. You can sell the Tivo. I only watch what is on RIGHT NOW. I haven't recorded a television show in my entire life, not even the episode of 20/20 that I WAS ON. I don't own any DVD box sets of vintage tv shows, I don't even own a single movie. I've got over 200 channels and they are all on RIGHT NOW, and that's what I'm interested in.

Fuck, I almost forgot the real deal-breaker. I have never watched a single episode of Buffy.

To recap, watching television with me means this: the television will be always be on and you'll be surrendering every whit of your personal viewing habits to fit mine, which will include relentless channel changing and an unreasonable number of Law & Order reruns. See why I'm alone?

(Previously: The Shopping)
(Next: The Doing)

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