Fox Continues Costco Nonsense

Costco Apologizes

"Costco has apparently had a 'Come-to-Jesus' epiphany. The national warehouse chain has apologized for labeling Bibles in a Simi Valley, Calif. store as fiction, calling it an error that they are working quickly to correct. 'We deeply regret the mislabeling of the Bible and meant no offense to anyone,' the company wrote in an email received by several customers. 'The buyer has let us know that this was an error and the books are being pulled off the shelves to be re-marked.' Cue the angelic choirs. That’s a message that resonates with pastor and author Robert Jeffress. 'Christians need to call out organizations like Costco whose actions undermine Christianity – regardless of whether those actions are accidental or intentional,' Jeffress told me. There you have it, good readers. Costco has seen the error of its way and repented. As the Good Book says, 'Forgive as the Lord forgave you.'" - Fox News reporter Todd Starnes, taking a victory lap for the non-story he invented.

Costco Hates Jesus

Fox News reporter Todd Starnes, who has never met a story that he couldn't twist out of any remaining shred of truth, is on the warpath against Costco.

What do the Bible, "The Hunger Games" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" have in common? All three are works of fiction, according to the booksellers at Costco. Pastor Caleb Kaltenbach made that shocking discovery last Friday as he was shopping for a present for his wife at a Costco in Simi Valley, Calif. “All the Bibles were labeled as fiction,” the pastor told me. “It seemed bizarre to me.” Kaltenbach is the lead pastor at Discovery Church, a non-denominational Christian congregation in southern California. He thought there must be some sort of mistake so he scoured the shelf for other Bibles. Every copy was plastered with a sticker that read, “$14.99 Fiction.” “People are pretty shocked and upset,” he told me. “We are supposed to be living in an era of tolerance, but what Costco did doesn’t seem too tolerant.” I doubt they would label the Koran as fiction, Pastor Kaltenbach said. Heaven help us if they did.

A Costco spokesperson says the labeling was an error that will be fixed, but that hasn't stopped Starnes and the Family Research Council, who are busily tweeting outraged denouncements.

Cops Remove Joan Rivers From Costco After She Protests Their Ban On Her Book

After signing autographs for fans, today Joan Rivers handcuffed herself to a Costco shopping cart in protest that the discount giant has banned her new book due to naughty language on its jacket. Police were called to remove Rivers from the premises.

"Costco, who sells condoms by the pallet, who sells Paula Deen books and - which is not good for their customers' health - they decided to ban my book," the 79-year-old Rivers said. "This is a First Amendment violation. You're banning a book because it says a funny quote by Marie Antoinette? Where is this going to lead us to? "This is a store that sells 300 rolls of toilet paper at the same time, and I say any customer that buys 300 rolls of toilet paper deserves a funny book to sit on the toilet and read."

Rivers later told local news that she's especially outraged that Costo would ban her, since she is single-handedly keeping their sex toys department in business. Rivers' book, I Hate Everyone (Including Me), has topped the New York Times bestsellers list for several weeks.

NOTE: Like many, Rivers doesn't appear to understand the First Amendment. Still, it was quite the effective stunt.

Big Boxes Come To Manhattan

Manhattan gets it first taste of mega-box retailing today with the opening of the massive East River Plaza mall on FDR Drive in East Harlem. Anchor tenant Costco's 110,000 square foot store is open as of this morning, coming in the next few months will be the long panted-over Target, as well as other jumbo retailers at the 500,000 square foot complex, which is 95% leased. Costco officials claim they expect the location to do twice the per-square-foot sales of its average store, but I don't know where Manhattanites will store a five-liter drum of olive oil. Now our fancy exclusive little island has two Kmarts, three Home Depots, a Costco, and an Ikea that's just a ten minute water taxi from Wall Street. Meanwhile the Great Evil continues to cast jealous eyes on the borough. Give it time.