Jesus Was Butch And Smelled Bad

He was also ripped, veiny, and totes HAWT.

Quote Of The Day - Gavin MacLeod

"'Love exciting and new, come aboard, he's expecting you'. If you listen to the [Love Boat theme] lyrics it's all about Jesus. It's a whole new approach to that song. I do that whenever I get into a group of believers, because it gave me - I said, wow, the Lord didn't tell me about that until how many years we were off the air. And it's really about 'Come aboard, Jesus will take care of you. There's a new love waiting for you. A love that will never let you down'." - Gavin MacLeod, speaking on the American Family Association radio show.

Jesus Comes First

After Monday's tweet about about rubbing one out, some folks on Facebook think Osteen "is just trolling us now." Source. (Via JMG reader Ian)

UPDATE: I meant to ask if anybody can find the original source on this and prove it's not a photoshop.

FLORIDA: Jesus' Pick Finishes Last

Despite heavy campaigning by Jesus, North Miami mayoral candidate Anna Pierre only got 56 votes.

UPDATE: The top finisher is the openly gay former mayor. There will be a runoff.

Bear Jesus Appears On Tortilla

Looks like Bluto to me. Source. (Via JMG reader Andrew)

Jesus Set The Minimum Wage

The Biblical Right To Assault Weapons

Morning View

Image via JMG reader and Island House patron Ed, who found this strange tableau during a Key West walkabout. It appears to be Barbie Thigh-Cut Levi's Jeebus surrounded by apparently bad dogs.

Forgiven Clothes

Forgiven Clothes just sent out a breathless email announcing that their "Who Killed Jesus?" t-shirts and hoodies are now on sale. Finish your holiday shopping early!

Two & A Half Men Star Finds Jeebus: Don't Watch My Filthy Unbiblical Show

Angus T. Jones makes $350K per episode playing the kid on Two And A Half Men.  He now says: "If I am doing any harm, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be contributing to the enemy's plan. You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can't. I'm not OK with what I'm learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show."  Also: Satan (the enemy) is working through the show. Or something!

(Tipped by JMG reader Alan)

Pope Ratzi: This Year Is 2019 Not 2012

Pope Palpatine has issued a book declaring that the birth of Jeebus is off by several years.

"The calculation of the beginning of our calendar – based on the birth of Jesus – was made by Dionysius Exiguus, who made a mistake in his calculations by several years," the Pope writes in the book, which went on sale around the world with an initial print run of a million copies. "The actual date of Jesus's birth was several years before." The assertion that the Christian calendar is based on a false premise is not new – many historians believe that Christ was born sometime between 7BC and 2BC. But the fact that doubts over one of the keystones of Christian tradition have been raised by the leader of the world's one billion Catholics is striking.

Many people, of course, don't believe that Jeebus was ever born at all and is actually a composite figure fictionalized from multiple earlier savior mythologies.

T-Shirt Of The Day

Source.

Jesus Came For You

The American Family Association is selling yard signs, buttons, and stickers promoting the cum-shot heard 'round the world. (Tipped by JMG reader David)

Jesus Jesus Bo-Besus

Not that we needed another laugh today, but the One Million Moms are angry! About something!

Dear Joe, every night on TV and every week in the movie theaters, the name of Jesus is being used not to refer to God's Son, but rather as a curse and swear word. The Bible says this is wrong! The Ten Commandments clearly proclaim, "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain." In the USA Network's show "Suits," the name of Jesus is blasphemed and hauled through the sewer constantly. And even ONCE is too much. Now suddenly in the second season, the characters are all dragging Jesus' name through the mud! This is typical of current television, and our children are being desensitized by it so that some don't even recognize blasphemy when they hear it. God is never glorified when his Son's name is taken in vain. You and I cannot let this continue. One Million Moms intends to do something about it.

Banana-fanna-fo-Fesus! Consuela!

Last Chance To Sign Jesus Pledge

Scamvangelist Bill Keller wants you to know this is your last chance to join the 1.6 million people who have allegedly signed his pledge to write in Jesus on your presidential ballot. From his third-person press release:

In May, Keller began a sister website, www.votingforjesus.com and made the case that because of the fact President Obama is the most pro-death, pro-homosexual, pro-enemy of Israel President in history, he is a true enemy of God. He also states that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is a 5th generation high priest of a cult that worships Satan and leads souls to hell with a false gospel. He calls both men "tools of Satan," and encourages Christians to write in the name of Jesus for President as a way of taking a stand for their faith. As of this release, over 1.6 million have signed up to write in the name of Jesus for President.

Keller adds that on Monday he will launch a live YouTube channel where he and his followers will pray nonstop for 24 hours that Jesus is declared the winner. 

Romney Blows His Fuse About Mormonism

Trick-Or-Treating For Jeebus

When the doorbell rings on Halloween, you might want to check the peephole before offering any candy. Because the day is being hijacked for JesusWeen.

Every year, the world and its system have a day set aside (October 31st) to celebrate ungodly images and evil characters while Christians all over the world participate, hide or just stay quiet on Halloween day. Being a day that is widely acceptable to solicit and knock on doors, God inspired us to encourage Christians to use this day as an opportunity to spread the gospel. The days of hiding are over and we choose to take a stand for Jesus. “Evil prevails when good people do nothing”. JesusWeen is expected to become the most effective Christian outreach day ever and that is why we also call it "World Evangelism Day." Many people have a wrong opinion of who Jesus is and we continue to encourage and work with churches and thousands of Christians to give out tracts, bibles and other Christian gifts. Since 2002 over a million Christian gifts have been given to neighbors, strangers and friends on October 31st.

The opportunity for pranks is limitless, really. Source.

ISRAEL: Christian Networks Prepare For Live Coverage Of The Return Of Jesus

Jesus is apparently coming back any day now and Christian networks are ready to roll live coverage of the glory direct from Israel.

Daystar TV and the Trinity Broadcasting Network have set up cameras in studios overlooking the Mount of Olives, where scripture says the Christian Messiah will touch down one day. Both networks recently acquired studio space in Jerusalem as part of a miniature dust-up in their niche industry over who is doing more to preach the gospel to Jews. Daystar in particular has been very aggressive in deploying their messaging on Israeli airwaves, having launched the first 24-hour Christian network in the country back in 2006. The network’s website also features a live video stream from the Mount of Olives that’s compatible with a host of mobile devices like iPhones, iPads, Androids and Blackberries — just in case viewers need to catch the Messiah’s return on the go.

NBC, of course, will broadcast the Second Coming on a tape-delay. (Via JMG reader Win)

Papyrus Mentions Mrs. Jesus

The New York Times:

A historian of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School has identified a scrap of papyrus that she says was written in Coptic in the fourth century and contains a phrase never seen in any piece of Scripture: “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife …'” The faded papyrus fragment is smaller than a business card, with eight lines on one side, in black ink legible under a magnifying glass. Just below the line about Jesus having a wife, the papyrus includes a second provocative clause that purportedly says, “she will be able to be my disciple.”

The discovery is expected to cause an uproar at the hot sweaty man-centric Vatican. Which is about the only interesting part of the story, really, if you hold the position that I do.

She Can Raise Children From The Dead

Whackadoodle preacher Cindy Jacobs has outdone herself. Remember her 2011 claim that God killed thousands of birds in the Midwest because he was ever so pissed about the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? This is even better.