Straights Should Stay Out Of Gay Bars?

Slate vlogger and self-identified separatist June Thomas says that gay nightclubs are too few and "precious" to the community and therefore straight people should think twice about coming in. And gay guys should stay out of lesbian bars too.
(Tipped by JMG reader John)

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I am a gay woman who tends to dress and identify on the masculine side. I’ll soon be attending a religious service at my extended family’s Orthodox synagogue, requiring modest attire, which means that women are not allowed to wear pants and can be denied entry. I think that as long as I dress respectfully and in the spirit of the religious mandates I should not have to compromise on my gender identity and expression. My family says that I’m being difficult and that “when in Rome …” Of course, there is no chance my relatives would dress according to a code I prescribed for an event if it conflicted with their religious identity. So why am I considered “difficult” for not compromising in the expression of my gender identity when they would be considered justified in not compromising their religious expression? — Name withheld

Give us your answer then hit the link to see how Petrow responded.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I’m a sergeant in the Army, and my girlfriend and I are to meet with a married gay couple (he’s an officer). I am not sure how to introduce her to my friend’s married partner. Do I say, “Jennifer, this is Colonel Smith and his husband, Mr. Andrews?” (He kept his own last name.) I don’t want to sound rude or insensitive (plus he outranks me a lot and I don’t want to do push-ups for the rest of my life — LOL). Any guidance you have will be much appreciated. – Yankee Rebel, U.S. Army

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I’d like your advice in coming out as H.I.V. positive to friends and colleagues. I’m married to a wonderful man, 51, and have lived quite well with the virus for 15 years. I believe it’s important for the many others still finding out they are H.I.V. positive to see people like me who are living well and openly with the infection. While I’ve never specifically hidden the fact of my serostatus, it’s always been a bit of work to tell others. I find there’s concern that I’m sick. Some people fear I have a potentially life-threatening disease, others say they are “sorry” (what are they sorry for?), while still others imply that my behavior led to my infection (“he should have known better”). From your perspective, what’s your advice on how (or if) people who learn that they’re H.I.V. positive should tell others (I’m not asking about dating situations). And, how do you recommend that those I tell respond to my disclosure?” — Timothy Rodrigues, Healdsburg, Calif.

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: Mike, my partner for 13 years, and I worked with a local attorney to prepare our wills and related documents. Before we could finalize all of our financial affairs, however, Mike was diagnosed with a rare brain virus that strikes some H.I.V./AIDS patients. Six weeks later, I held Mike’s hand as he took his final breath in our home. During his final difficult days, Mike’s mother, father and sisters seemed disinterested in his illness. Recently my attorney learned that Mike’s parents have instructed the funeral home not to provide the documentation that I need to file Mike’s estate. In addition, Mike’s co-workers and friends have abandoned me, turning their backs and adding to my emotional distress. Now I’m struggling with how to address the individuals who disrespected my beloved’s final wishes and added to my emotional distress during the early days of my bereavement. I’ll be grateful for any advice you can share. — John Moriarty, Kansas City, Mo.

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

NOTE: The above is from Petrow's August 20th column, which I missed. But the issue is certainly worthy of discussion a week later.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: When the Supreme Court allowed same-sex marriages in California to resume in June, my partner and I (together for nearly two decades) celebrated our community’s long overdue equality. But it seems to have given license to everybody to start nudging us toward the altar. I don’t go around challenging straight couples I know about when they will tie the knot, and I’m tired of explaining my own longstanding ambivalence toward state-sanctioned marriage. Committed partnerships can be noble, with or without government imprimatur. So how do I handle these well-meaning but presumptuous questions about marriage (usually from straight people) without sounding like a grump? — Name withheld, San Francisco

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I am going on a five-city tour overseas with a longtime friend of mine who happens to be gay (I am straight). Another old friend lives in one of the cities we’ll be visiting, and she wants to meet up and show me around. But she’s not that open-minded about gays (she knows he’s gay), so I’d be spending the day with her alone. How can I tell my travel companion I’m taking a detour to see an old friend but he can’t come? It’s really a dilemma for me. Any advice is greatly appreciated. — Terrado, age 61

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I’m 53, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a grandmother and a friend. And I am gay. I was raised in a conservative Southern Baptist Church in Tennessee, and I had spent a lifetime living in hiding and hating myself because of my sexual orientation. I eventually reached a point last year when I could no longer deny that I am gay, and I convinced myself that it would be better for me to die rather than risk bringing shame to my children and family by telling the truth. I had a plan and the means to carry out my plan, and I had chosen the date when I planned to commit suicide. Some things happened to stop me that day, and I eventually told a friend the truth. Shortly thereafter, I told my children, my extended family and those closest to me. I write a daily blog, and on Jan. 1, I posted my “coming out” entry. I’ve lost many friends and a few family members since my admission. And the church where I had been a member for over 20 years has completely shunned me. But for the first time in my life, I am being honest with myself and learning to love myself for who I am. As I continue to interact with people who are not accepting of my sexuality, what advice could you give me on how to treat them now? — Name withheld

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Dear Civil Behavior: If the Supreme Court allows same-sex couples to marry again in California, we plan to be at the head of the line. This would be the second time that my husband and I would be getting married, since our first marriage [in 2004] was annulled by the state Supreme Court. We’re going to have a much bigger event this time and want to set up a gift registry. But is it tacky to do that for “a second marriage?” - Anonymous

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Dear Civil Behavior: My husband and I became foster dads to our son when he was 4 months old and adopted him when he was 2 years old. He will soon be 10. As an adoptive parent, it strikes me as odd that complete strangers will ask, "Where is your son from?" We’ve been asked if he knows his birth parents, whether he has any siblings, how he feels about having two fathers, and whether it's difficult for a biracial child to have two Caucasian fathers. I am proud of being an adoptive parent and love my son more than words can ever express. I often tell our story to friends and even business associates, because I feel that being parents is the most amazing gift that my partner and I ever received. But to people we hardly know or don’t know? I’d prefer to say, “It’s none of your business,” but I’ll bet there’s a better way?— Name Withheld, MA

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: I’m bisexual (female), and I want to be out at work. I just don’t quite know how to slip it into conversation. It never seems appropriate to say the word “sexual” in a work environment, and it’s simply awkward. If I come out to a straight man, for example, he always seems to take it in a sexual way. Coming out to women I just get scared that they will be uncomfortable or think I’m coming on to them. Also it gets really wordy! I have to spend sentences explaining who I am while someone that is gay can use a single word or two. But, bisexual visibility can only get better if people like me don’t cop out and say we are gay when that’s not true. Any advice on how to make “out bisexual” a little easier? — Erica, East Brunswick, N.J.

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Dear Civil Behavior: I’ve been helping my daughter plan her wedding to her girlfriend and everything’s been going fine — until now. We’re about to address the invitations. The calligrapher is lined up and time is getting a bit short. Here’s the problem. My daughter insists on addressing the women with what I’d call a feminist version of their names. In other words, instead of writing “Mr. and Mrs. Richard Garcia” she wants to write: “Ms. Jane Garcia and Mr. Richard Garcia,” calling out the identity of the woman separately from her husband. I’ve explained that this is incorrect etiquette and that my friends will be confused if not offended. But she won’t listen to me. Do lesbians and gays have different rules for this sort of thing? — New York Mother-in-Law-to-Be.

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Dear Civil Behavior: My partner and I are in our early 30s and we’re planning to formally commit our lives to each other. We’re struggling with our guest list, though. We both have a number of family members — in my case, my parents and seven older siblings — who don’t support our relationship. They’re all highly educated, reasonably intelligent people but only one of my sisters-in-law is comfortable allowing us around her children. No one is vitriolic about it, but they feel responsible to shelter their children (who range from newborn to 18) from the idea that two men can love each other. How can I strike a balance between issuing invitations to all who deserve to know about the occasion (my parents did raise me to be polite, after all), while making it clear that we only want people to attend the ceremony if they will pledge to support our relationship, and actually celebrate the occasion?

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today In Gay Etiquette

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times:

Dear Civil Behavior: Someone I knew decades ago when I was in college identified as transgender pre-op. Lately, this person looked me up online and started an e-mail chain. They informed me they had changed their name from a distinctly masculine one to a gender-neutral name, but didn’t really explain. On the one hand, since we discussed the transgender issue quite extensively back in the day, I feel that basic politeness and, of course, an interest in catching up would suggest that I inquire about whether the person has fully changed gender. On the other hand, one doesn’t want to be intrusive around a potentially delicate topic. Is there a polite way to ask, “Did you have surgery?”

Give us your own response, then hit the link and see what Petrow had to say.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times comes this question:

Dear Civil Behavior: I recently joined a gay Alcoholics Anonymous meeting after many years denying I had a drinking problem. Now I have a new problem: My birthday is coming up, and every year I throw myself a party to celebrate. This year is a “big” birthday for me, and friends are asking what wild and crazy party I’ll be hosting this time around. Truthfully, I’m uncomfortable hosting a big drinking party this year — I don’t even want to have alcohol in my apartment at all. Should I just cancel it? Or should I host it but serve only nonalcoholic drinks? And what do I tell my friends, many of whom don’t know about my joining A.A.? As a gay man, it feels as if I’m coming out all over again. — Anonymous

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's Civil Behavior column in the New York Times:

Dear Civil Behavior: As the only male grandchild among four — as well as the only gay one — I have watched with chagrin as several generations’ worth of formal dinnerware, silverware and other domestic heirlooms were passed down to my sister and female cousins. Some of these are valuable, some not. But they all hold just as much meaning for me as for the women in my family. I celebrated the same holidays with these heirlooms as they did, and I attach my own memories of my grandmothers to them. I feel churlish speaking up about it, but it seems unfair that the lion’s share of these keepsakes should pass to the distaff (hetero) side. (Besides, my sister and cousins all used their wedding registries to order their own beautiful new china and silver – another tradition denied to me.) Am I being oversensitive to the gendering of heirlooms and just let it pass? Or should I elbow my way in and say, “this queen deserves her Limoges too”? —"A California Fresh Heir”

Give us your answer then hit the link for Petrow's response.

Today's Gay Etiquette Question

From Steven Petrow's NYT column Civil Behavior:

Q: My wife and I each gave birth to one of our two children, born a year apart, using the same donor. We then legally adopted each other’s biological child. We are both loving, committed parents to both children, who are now 10 and 11 – we’re a family. Still, my in-laws clearly favor the child my wife gave birth to, as if her biological child were the more real member of their family. They shower affection on my wife’s biological child, but not on the child I carried (and whom their daughter adopted). The issue is that we’re lesbian, and our intimate life somehow taints our children in their minds. I’ve talked to them directly, but they won’t budge. Our children love Grandma and Boppa, and they don’t understand why they’re being treated so differently. We try to limit contact, but this is putting a real strain on our family. How can we fix this?

Tell us how you would handle this, then go read Petrow's advice.

How To Ride The Subway

You'd think people would know these things. Sadly, no.

Virgin Atlantic Now Allows Cell Phone Use

But only on flights between NYC and London. So far.

Passengers on certain Virgin Atlantic flights are now able to use their cell phones to make and receive phone calls at 35,000 feet, the airline announced Tuesday. The British airline’s new service could be a blessing for business travelers who want to stay connected during eight-hour flights across the ocean. It could also be a nightmare for the passenger sitting next to them. “I suspect most passengers, like myself, would prefer not to listen to somebody on the phone for what might be hours,” said airline analyst Robert Mann. Only six passengers at a time will be able to use the system, which the airline says is intended “for use in exceptional situations.” Passengers will be able to send text messages, make a call or access email on mobile devices. The airline won’t charge extra for the service but cell phone users will be charged their carrier’s international roaming rates.

What's an "exceptional situation"?

If Only We All Had A Taxi Guard

The WBNA's New York Liberty have been posting a YouTube series on NYC etiquette. This one's about evil taxi stealers. (If only all cab thieves were so cute.) The last time I gave a cab thief a piece of my mind, her ginormous boyfriend materialized from the shadows to show me his switchblade. True story. West 28th Street.