I Will Hold You Ten Times

As longtime readers know, there are four or five JMG entries that I repost every year. This is one of them. My dear friend Daniel Johnson, who threw the most kickass Groundhog Day birthday parties for himself, would have been 58 years old today. His was a life that burned brightly and I am illuminated still. Daniel Johnson, 1957-1997.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

1. I will hold you, Daniel.

2. The lesions don't bother me, I will hold you.

3. I will pretend nothing is wrong when you want me to pretend and when you want me to hold you, I will hold you.

4. I will make plans with you to go to your favorite places that we both know you can no longer go and I will sit with you and look at your pictures of these places and I will hold you.

5. I will ride with you on the train to your doctor's office and when you get sick in the station, I will hold you.

6. I will see the Post-It notes you put all over the house reminding yourself to do everyday things like "Turn off stove" and "Lock front door" and I'll pretend the disease isn't robbing your mind and when you tell me something for the third time in ten minutes, I won't let you know, I will hold you.

7. I will go to Safeway with you because you need to get out into the world and when the diarrhea overwhelms you and you shit your pants in the middle of the store, I will call us a cab and in the cab, I will hold you.

8. I will make you mix-tapes of our favorite songs from last summer, just like you asked me to, and when the memories make you sad instead of happy and you throw the tapes in the trash, I won't get angry, I will hold you.

9. I will sit up all night with you because the fevers and night sweats won't let you sleep. In the morning, I will change your drenched sheets and help you out of the shower and when you weep from the sight of your withered body in the mirror on the bathroom door, I will hold you.

10. I will hold you, Daniel.

OHIO: Candlelight Vigil For Transgender Teen Leelah Alcorn Draws Hundreds

Sad News: Beloved JMG Community Member Betty "Birdie" Salwak Has Died

It's my heartbroken duty to let you know that beloved JMG community member Betty Salwak, known to many of you here as Birdie, passed away today of the breast cancer she battled for the last several years. As some of you know, Betty served as JMG's volunteer behind-the-scenes copy editor, cheerfully correcting my typos, misspellings, and inelegant syntax, for which I thanked her profusely in my New Year's posts every year.

Betty fought her illness with extraordinary candor, optimism, and humor - even in the face of the recent unanticipated setback that surprised everyone. Evidence of that can be found on her Facebook page, where her profile photo today is a bald Mona Lisa. When it became apparent that further hospital treatment would be useless, early this week Betty decided on in-home hospice care after being told she would have 30-60 relatively pain-free days until the end. That end, tragically, came after only two days.

As you can see by the photo above, Betty was a straight Christian, but as rare as our allies in that world seem to be sometimes, Betty was no mere keyboard warrior. She served as the secretary for the Indianapolis PFLAG chapter and as the coordinator of children's ministries at her local LGBT-welcoming Presbyterian Church. In addition, she was an ardent supporter of the Indiana LGBT Youth Group, for whom she battled as anti-gay factions fought to prevent them from issuing a fundraising Indiana state license plate. When that fight was finally won, Betty was ecstatic. And I'm told that she was thrilled on Monday when marriage equality came at last to her home state.

Betty was first directed to JMG about eight years ago while searching for stories about the early years of the plague, as it had taken her own brother many years ago. It was her brother's treatment by some members of her family that initially fueled Betty's activism and she and I shared many stories about those dark, dark years. Five years ago Betty became an occasional writer for the Bilerico Project. Her first post there revealed her passion. An excerpt:

I came to realize that it was time for me to step up and stand against what I knew was a gross injustice. I was seeing people who claimed to be Christians spewing hateful invective in the name of God against people who were gay. Those malevolent tirades are far and away the loudest shouts being heard by the LGBT community. The only other voice nearly as loud says there is no God.

Those people have nothing to do with the loving God I know, the One whose grace and unconditional love is for all people, just as they are, just as he made them to be. Unfortunately, the voices with that message have been a mere whisper in the wind. It was time to stand and be heard. But how could I get anyone to heed me? I had a lot to learn. I needed to know more about the gay community.

About three years ago a gay friend linked me to my first blog; it was by some guy who called himself "Joe.My.God." Well. Joe's blog was (and is) intelligent, moving, funny, informative, and very very angry at Christians. Links from his blog led me to more, and over the past three years I have developed some genuine and important friendships with gay, lesbian, and even a few straight bloggers. Those Internet friends have been wonderful in sharing their wisdom, insights and feelings. I feel privileged to know them and have been lucky enough to meet a few.

I have learned of the anguish of rejection and the stinging betrayal experienced by those raised in churches which call them "objectively disordered," sinners, even abominations. I've read far too many times of self-destructiveness and even suicides by young people who could not reconcile their faith with the person God made them to be. This has to stop.

I am convinced that the vast majority of straight Christians are ignorant of the terrible impact of their silence, that they would speak up about their support if they knew it would literally save lives. I am doing everything in my power to tell them that this is the time. It is my fervent hope that the civil victory that is imminent will eventually be shared by most churches during my lifetime.

Betty leaves a husband, two adult children, and hundreds of friends in our community, both in real life and online. Many here on JMG became her Facebook friends, proof of which was clear tonight as so many of you wrote to share your grief at Betty's passing. Please consider dropping by her Facebook page. I will let you know if the Salwak family is directing donations to any of Betty's favorite causes.

Our own Father Tony was particularly close with Betty and I'll close this sad, sad post with the portrait he made during her Fort Lauderdale visit with him in March while enjoying a period of remission. Thank you, Birdie. This world could use a few million more of you.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

As longtime readers know, there are four or five JMG entries that I repost every year. This is one of them. My dear friend Daniel Johnson, who threw the most kickass Groundhog Day birthday parties for himself, would have been 57 years old today. His was a life that burned brightly and I am illuminated still. Daniel Johnson, 1957-1997.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

1. I will hold you, Daniel.

2. The lesions don't bother me, I will hold you.

3. I will pretend nothing is wrong when you want me to pretend and when you want me to hold you, I will hold you.

4. I will make plans with you to go to your favorite places that we both know you can no longer go and I will sit with you and look at your pictures of these places and I will hold you.

5. I will ride with you on the train to your doctor's office and when you get sick in the station, I will hold you.

6. I will see the Post-It notes you put all over the house reminding yourself to do everyday things like "Turn off stove" and "Lock front door" and I'll pretend the disease isn't robbing your mind and when you tell me something for the third time in ten minutes, I won't let you know, I will hold you.

7. I will go to Safeway with you because you need to get out into the world and when the diarrhea overwhelms you and you shit your pants in the middle of the store, I will call us a cab and in the cab, I will hold you.

8. I will make you mix-tapes of our favorite songs from last summer, just like you asked me to, and when the memories make you sad instead of happy and you throw the tapes in the trash, I won't get angry, I will hold you.

9. I will sit up all night with you because the fevers and night sweats won't let you sleep. In the morning, I will change your drenched sheets and help you out of the shower and when you weep from the sight of your withered body in the mirror on the bathroom door, I will hold you.

10. I will hold you, Daniel.

Last Night On The Simpsons

The Hollywood Reporter recaps:

The Simpsons paid tribute to Marcia Wallace, the voice of teacher Mrs. Krabappel who died Oct. 25, in the show's opening Sunday night. "We'll really miss you Mrs. K.," Bart Simpson wrote on the chalkboard in the credits sequence ahead of Sunday night's new episode, "Four Regrettings and a Funeral." Wallace voiced teacher Edna Krabappel on Fox's long-running animated hit.

Ow, my heart.

VIDEO: At The Vigil For Mark Carson

TOMORROW: The LGBT Community will hold a march.

Monday, May 20th at 5:30 p.m. beginning at the Center, 208 W 13th Street, and proceeding to West 8th Street and 6th Avenue. Following a string of heinous bias attacks against gay men, including the murder of a 32 year old man on Friday night, community members, elected officials, LGBT community leaders and allies will march to the site of Friday's shooting to demand an end to hate crimes against the LGBT community. At the end of the march, we will rally to denounce hate violence, call for justice and to mourn the death of Marc Carson. Please join the Center, the NYC Anti-Violence Project, Speaker Quinn, community leaders and elected officials to reclaim our city for all New Yorkers.

The NYC Gay Men's Chorus remembered Mark Carson today at the AIDS Walk in Central Park.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

As longtime readers know, there are four or five JMG entries that I repost every year. This is one of them. My dear friend Daniel Johnson, who threw the most kickass Groundhog Day birthday parties for himself, would have been 56 years old today. His was a life that burned brightly and I am illuminated still. Daniel Johnson, 1957-1997.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

1. I will hold you, Daniel.

2. The lesions don't bother me, I will hold you.

3. I will pretend nothing is wrong when you want me to pretend and when you want me to hold you, I will hold you.

4. I will make plans with you to go to your favorite places that we both know you can no longer go and I will sit with you and look at your pictures of these places and I will hold you.

5. I will ride with you on the train to your doctor's office and when you get sick in the station, I will hold you.

6. I will see the Post-It notes you put all over the house reminding yourself to do everyday things like "Turn off stove" and "Lock front door" and I'll pretend the disease isn't robbing your mind and when you tell me something for the third time in ten minutes, I won't let you know, I will hold you.

7. I will go to Safeway with you because you need to get out into the world and when the diarrhea overwhelms you and you shit your pants in the middle of the store, I will call us a cab and in the cab, I will hold you.

8. I will make you mix-tapes of our favorite songs from last summer, just like you asked me to, and when the memories make you sad instead of happy and you throw the tapes in the trash, I won't get angry, I will hold you.

9. I will sit up all night with you because the fevers and night sweats won't let you sleep. In the morning, I will change your drenched sheets and help you out of the shower and when you weep from the sight of your withered body in the mirror on the bathroom door, I will hold you.

10. I will hold you, Daniel.

Membership

ABOVE: At the 1985 Xmas party described below: Me, Michael, and Barney. I also wrote about Barney here.

Originally posted May 2004. Reposted for World AIDS Day.

Membership 

Michael didn't look good.

We were at his annual Christmas Luau party. Tons and tons of people in the house and the backyard. Standing in his kitchen, wearing a grass skirt and a ridiculous Santa hat covered in sequins, he was acting like always...all flamboyant and silly and adorable.

But he didn't look...right.

It was 1985.

My boyfriend Ken and I stayed until the end of the party to help clean up. I busied myself in the kitchen, washing glasses and cleaning ashtrays. Through the kitchen window I watched Ken and Michael in the backyard where they were stacking up the chairs and dousing the dozens of tiki torches, the trademark of Michael's party. When we were finished, Ken and I stood for a few minutes on Michael's front porch to review the party: who came, who didn't, who shouldn't have come.

Finally I yawned and stretched and nudged Ken. "C'mon babe, let's roll. Michael, lots of fun as always. Try and get some sleep, you look like you need it."

Ken shot me a scowl.

I tried to recover. "I mean, you must be exhausted from getting the party ready."

Michael laughed and lit a cigarette. "Oh, you know me. I'll bounce back. Nothing that can't be cured by cigarettes, coffee and cocaine!"

We giggled and waved and headed down the driveway. When we reached our car, I looked back at the house. Michael was struggling with the garbage cans, then broke into a hacking cough.

For the first few minutes of our ride home, Ken and I didn't say anything. Then at a traffic light, I looked over at him. "Didn't you think Michael..."

"He's FINE!" Ken cut me off.

"You didn't think he looked kinda thin? And that coughing..."

"Well, you know he smokes too much. And you'd look worn out too if YOU threw a Christmas party for 100 people."

"Yeah, I guess."

Ken knew what I was talking about, even if we didn't actually talk about it. For two years, maybe three, we'd been following the developing story about AIDS. At first, the press was calling it "gay cancer." Then GRID. Gay Related Immune Disorder. Then AIDS.

We lived in Orlando. Almost all the cases were in New York or San Francisco and that made us feel safe in a strange way. Neither of us had been in either place, except as children. And we didn't have any friends from either city. Then Miami began to report cases.

Michael was from Miami.

A week after his Christmas party, on New Year's Eve out at the club, Michael uncharacteristically left early. Before midnight. He said his hip was bothering him. Our friend Jack teased him as he was leaving. "Oh, is Grandpa having some problems with his rheumatiz?"

Michael just smiled and blew us kisses from across the room and limped out.

A few weeks later Ken called me from his office. He was going to take Michael to the hospital. His hip was terribly infected, and he couldn't walk. I didn't ask him what was wrong, by now we knew. And Michael knew that we did.

Waiting for Ken to come home, I watched a TV report on AIDS. Specifically, it dealt with how funeral parlors were sometimes refusing to handle the bodies of AIDS patients. Fear of infection. Fear of loss of reputation. The narrator made a comment about the families and friends of those killed by AIDS. He called them "this new and modern group" of grievers. When Ken got home, I told him about the story with indignation.

Over the next few months, Michael was in the hospital quite a bit. Ken got into the habit of visiting him on his way home from work, something I could rarely do since I worked nights. When I did see Michael, he looked progressively worse. Skinnier, more pale, his skin patchy and scaly.

But he always had that bitchy sense of humor and that chicken cackle. I'd hear that laugh from down the hallway as I approached his room, which always seemed to be full of friends.

Florida started its state lottery that summer. On the first night of the big drawing, I tried to stay awake for the results but I fell asleep with the tickets in my hands. I was awakened by Ken sitting on the bed.

"Hey." I rolled over and looked at the clock. Three in the morning?

Ken still had his tie on. My throat clenched. I don't know why, but I pushed the lottery tickets over towards him.

"So, um...are we millionaires?"

Ken didn't answer me.

"Where have you been? At the hospital? How's Michael?"

Ken leaned over and started untying his shoes. He pulled them off and finally turned to face me. He looked so very tired. He laid down next to me and hugged me, then spoke softly into my ear.

"We've just joined that new and modern group."

TODAY: Transgender Day Of Remembrance

Today is the annual International Transgender Day Of Remembrance.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 kicked off the “Remembering Our Dead” web project and a San Francisco candlelight vigil in 1999. Rita Hester’s murder — like most anti-transgender murder cases — has yet to be solved. Although not every person represented during the Day of Remembrance self-identified as transgender — that is, as a transsexual, crossdresser, or otherwise gender-variant — each was a victim of violence based on bias against transgender people.

Hit this link for a list of memorial services taking place all over the world.  Zack Ford has much more over at Think Progress.

Final NYC AIDS Memorial Design

The final design seems to lack the appropriate solemnity, but at least it looks like an inviting place to sit and reflect.

The design for the future New York City AIDS Memorial at St. Vincent’s Hospital Park was approved by Manhattan Community Board 2. The coalition will now work to seek approvals from the Department of City Planning and the Landmarks Preservation Commission. We will continue to develop the design as we also manage the capital campaign to raise the funds to build the memorial and ensure that it is beautifully and well-maintained into the future.

(Via Zack Ford)

WASHINGTON: Continental Staffers Honored At Dulles AIDS Quilt Display

The travel blog Jaunted was moved to tears.

Ever just started crying in an airport? Until this week, we'd have answered "no"—and even this week, it wasn't anything to do with our flight. No, it was the sheer power of the blocks of the AIDS Memorial Quilt currently on display at Washington Dulles, and in particular this block, "Sewn with love by the flight attendants of Continental Airlines." Over a hundred men (and, potentially, women, though we didn't spot any specifically female names) from Continental and its predecessor airlines—Texas International, Frontier, PEOPLExpress, and New York Air—are memorialised in this one block. More poignant still: the square appliqués with every name are all bordered with the material from the ties of each airline, with the five uniforms, pins, buttons and memorabilia also appliquéd between the clouds below. And a rainbow lei down the bottom. We simply can't imagine the time, love and remembrance that the flight attendants of Continental—now, of course, United—put into this Quilt block.

Hit the link for a slideshow of more AIDS Quilt panels at Dulles. (Via JMG reader thatjohn)

RELATED: As part of the Smithsonian's Folklife Festival, the AIDS Memorial Quilt will be on display on the National Mall and at over 50 other DC locations for five days beginning this Saturday.

NEW YORK CITY: Activists Hold Vigil For Shot Texas Lesbian Teens

Photos and video by JMG reader Phil Davis. More here.

Vigils Planned For Shot Texas Lesbians

Friday night in Portland, Texas there will be a candlelight vigil for the two teen lesbians found shot in a local park. In San Francisco, a vigil will be held tonight in Harvey Milk Plaza at 7pm. In Washington DC, meet 6pm Friday night at Dupont Circle. Local police say there's no evidence of a hate crime so far.

There is no evidence that the shooting of two teens last weekend had anything to do with their romantic relationship, Portland Police Chief Randy Wright said Tuesday. Mollie Judith Olgin, 19, of Ingleside, died at the scene, and Mary Christine Chapa, 18, is listed in stable condition at a hospital. As of Tuesday afternoon, police were still waiting to interview her. Olgin and Chapa were found Saturday morning by visitors to Violet Andrews Park. The shootings mark the first homicide in Portland this year and have left the community in shock. The Texas Rangers are assisting in the investigation. The Human Rights Campaign and Equality Texas released a joint statement Tuesday saying the groups had reached out to the U.S. Department of Justice, the FBI and Portland police to urge a thorough investigation.

Sunday: AIDS Vigil In The Castro

This Sunday the Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence will lead the 29th annual AIDS Candlelight Memorial in San Francisco's Castro District. Similar events will take place that day throughout the world.

Health, faith and community-based organizations in some 115 countries will use the event to remember those who have lost their lives to AIDS, to support those living with HIV and affected by its impact and spur calls to greater action from all actors in the HIV response. This year’s theme Promoting Health and Dignity Together carries a lot of meaning. The theme focuses onthe fact that the HIV response will only be successful when it is an effortthat is supported by and addresses the needs of all those affected by HIV,including all people living with HIV key populations such as men who have sexwith men, people who use drugs, and sex workers, as well as women and young people.

San Francisco's event starts at 8pm at Harvey Milk Plaza.

Smithsonian AIDS Quilt Exhibit

Panels from the NAMES Project will be on display as part of this summer's Smithsonian Folklife Festival on Washington DC's National Mall. The exhibit runs June 27th to July 1st and July 1st thru July 4th. When last measured, the AIDS Quilt weighed 54 tons in its entirety. It's the largest piece of community folk art in the world. Bring Kleenex.

AIDS Petition: Record Their Names

Whichever design is selected for NYC's proposed AIDS Memorial, it appears that no individual names will be included. There's a petition to change that. I'm not sure how this could be accomplished, considering that the number of AIDS-related deaths in NYC already far exceeds the number of names on the Vietnam Memorial.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

As longtime readers know, there are four or five JMG entries that I repost every year. This is one of them. My dear friend Daniel Johnson, who threw the most kickass Groundhog's Day birthday parties for himself, would have been 55 years old today. His was a life that burned brightly and I am illuminated still. Daniel Johnson, 1957-1997.

I Will Hold You Ten Times

1. I will hold you, Daniel.

2. The lesions don't bother me, I will hold you.

3. I will pretend nothing is wrong when you want me to pretend and when you want me to hold you, I will hold you.

4. I will make plans with you to go to your favorite places that we both know you can no longer go and I will sit with you and look at your pictures of these places and I will hold you.

5. I will ride with you on the train to your doctor's office and when you get sick in the station, I will hold you.

6. I will see the Post-It notes you put all over the house reminding yourself to do everyday things like "Turn off stove" and "Lock front door" and I'll pretend the disease isn't robbing your mind and when you tell me something for the third time in ten minutes, I won't let you know, I will hold you.

7. I will go to Safeway with you because you need to get out into the world and when the diarrhea overwhelms you and you shit your pants in the middle of the store, I will call us a cab and in the cab, I will hold you.

8. I will make you mix-tapes of our favorite songs from last summer, just like you asked me to, and when the memories make you sad instead of happy and you throw the tapes in the trash, I won't get angry, I will hold you.

9. I will sit up all night with you because the fevers and night sweats won't let you sleep. In the morning, I will change your drenched sheets and help you out of the shower and when you weep from the sight of your withered body in the mirror on the bathroom door, I will hold you.

10. I will hold you, Daniel.

NEW YORK CITY: Developers Overturn Winning Design For AIDS Memorial

Only hours after the winning design for a planned West Village AIDS memorial was announced, the developers of the site rejected that design for one of their own.

Rudin Management, which won City Planning Commission approval on Jan. 23 for its plans for the former St. Vincent's Hospital site, said it will work with the AIDS Memorial Park coalition, Community Board 2 and locals on plans for the park, but that its current design by landscape architect Rick Parisi will provide its basis. “Our neighborhood park design … allows for a commemoration of both those affected by the AIDS epidemic and of St. Vincent’s Hospital for its 160 years of service to the community and its steadfast commitment to care for those suffering from HIV/AIDS," Rudin CEO and vice chairman Bill Rudin said in a statement. [snip] Parisi's design for the park —which some locals called generic — calls for more than 600 seats, 31 trees and 4,861 square feet of plantings.

I thought Infinite Forest was gorgeous.

NEW YORK CITY: "Infinite Forest" Design Chosen For West Village AIDS Memorial

The backers of the proposed AIDS memorial in Manhattan's West Village have selected Infinite Forest as the winning design.

The act of memorializing the AIDS epidemic with a physical gesture goes beyond remembering and honoring the dead. AIDS is not a war, nor a disease conquered. There are no definite dates or victims. In our design process, we emphasize the changing and varied ways through which AIDS affects us personally and as a society. It is important to create a space that conveys our sense of solemn respect, remembrance and loss, without resorting to symbolism around a date, image, or names.

View the other entries and read more about the memorial at the above link.

San Francisco Marches For Harvey Milk

Sean Chapin sends us his video of yesterday's Harvey Milk March in San Francisco. Milk was assassinated November 27, 1978.