A Certain Ratio

My typically serene and genial office environment ripped at the seams on Friday over a bitter disagreement that forced our erudite staffers into two opposing camps. Curse words were uttered. Feelings were hurt. Disparaging comments about class and sophistication were made.

The crisis: What is the correct proportion of peanut butter to jelly in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Cultural Imperialists Camp: "Every kid in America knows the proper ratio is 50-50 and learning how to make that perfectly balanced PB&J is the first food lesson an American kid gets. Who cares how those foreign Godless communists do it?"

Axis Of Evil Camp: "Everybody loves peanut butter but most people merely tolerate the presence of his sticky slimy sister. Therefore, the perfect PB&J has two to three times more peanut butter than jelly. And somebody told us that jelly has been outsourced to Bangolore, where it's made by children working under inhumane conditions. Think of the children!"

After an afternoon of stoney stares and unnecessarily loud stapling, Editor Mike sought arbitration from an expert, the manager of the peanut butter and jelly restaurant in the West Village, who, in typical manager fashion, immediately referred Mike to his superiors at Peanut Butter & Jelly World Headquarters in Bangalore. And in typical world headquarters fashion, Mike was called today by their positively perky publicist, Jennifer, who left the following message:

"Hi Mike, I've just gone and asked him, and according to the president and founder of Peanut Butter & Co., well... of course, people love more peanut butter than jelly. I hope this helps settle things in your office."

Mike forwarded the voice mail around the office and a chorus of "told you so's" ensued, followed by some totally uncalled for instant messaging. An uneasy quiet exists at present.