Oh Noes! Gay Mafia Controls Paterson!

From the hilarious World Weekly News:

New York Governor David Paterson is introducing legislation today which would promote same-sex marriages in the state. Political insiders believe he is being pressured to do so by the Gay Mafia, based out of New York’s Fashion District. The Gay Mafia, or the Velvet Hand, has been a force in New York politics since the 1970’s. Originally founded in the back rooms of Studio 54, they are now the “Pink Power Brokers” who run New York’s Fashion and Theater districts. Current alleged fairy godfather Harvey Fierstein was unavailable for comment.

The Governor said in a statement yesterday, flanked by two new and impeccably dressed bodyguards, that “the timing was always right for this. And a-all that was required was, the-the will.” His hands began to shake and before he could say more his bodyguards, one of whom appeared to be a season 1 contestant on “Make Me a SuperModel”, escorted him from the platform and into a waiting limo with the license plate “Qu33n B.” The FBI is currently investigating New York’s Gay Mafia. The Velvet Hand has been tied to fake purse trafficking, drug running, and every Broadway musical for the past fifteen years. They are believed to have a stranglehold on the body waxing industry, and own several gay steel mills upstate as fronts. Their army of chorus dancer enforcers has ensured their underground power for decades.