RUSSIA: Court Acquits Madonna Of Threatening National Birth Rate By Promoting Homosexuality

Today a Russian court dismissed charges against Madonna brought by a local Orthodox Church group who claimed that her violation of the ban on "promoting homosexuality" would cause the nation's birth rate to plummet because all the boys would become lustful cockmonsters. Or something.

On Thursday a court St Petersburg ruled against the plaintiffs, members of various conservative groups who argued that Madonna's comments violated a new law banning the promotion of "homosexual propaganda" to minors and would lead to the destruction of the nation. Violation of the law is punishable by fines of up to 500,000 roubles (£10,000).

During a day-long hearing, the court examined YouTube footage and was shown screenshots of Madonna's Facebook page as proof that the material girl was crazy for gay rights. "I am here to say that the gay community and gay people here and all around the world have the same rights – to be treated with dignity, with respect, with tolerance, with compassion, with love," Madonna said during the performance in August, as concert-goers waved gay pride flags and flashed pink wristbands the pop star had handed out as symbols of support.

The claimants argued that Madonna's performance would adversely affect Russia's birthrate and therefore its ability to maintain a proper army. They cited posts on the Facebook page condemning the law as proof she had prior knowledge of the potential criminality of expressing herself.

Last month Madonna was served the suit at her Upper East Side home in Manhattan. According to reports she never acknowledged the suit's existence and did not appear for trial in Russia.