Main | Thursday, November 30, 2006

Open Thread Thursday

My neighbor, a stout middle-aged nurse, is a problem. She started complaining even as I moved in, angered by my door opening and closing as we carried stuff in. I later learned that whenever she hears a door open, she runs to her peephole to eyeball people in the hallway. I guess I wore her out on moving day. Since then she's complained about every single peep she hears out of my place, day and night, weekend or weekday, from normal conversations held in my living room, to the deafening din created by my tiny laptop speakers. She registers her displeasure by banging vigorously on the walls with what I presume is a shoe. Imagine my startled houseguest when she took issue with the chains clanking on my porta-sling one Saturday afternoon. Good thing he was already lying down. (I've since taped the chains.)

But she's not my worst neighbor ever. That prize goes to one Mr. Victor Obrum, who in 1979 became so enraged by my (admittedly very loud) playing of The B-52's Planet Claire, that he summoned the Orlando Fire Department, falsely claiming that I wasn't answering my door to his knocks and he was "concerned" that I'd overdosed. On drugs! The firetruck and ambulance that arrived drew the attention of the apartment complex management, who later served me an eviction notice claiming "tenant persists in playing loud and annoying sound-effects records." (I still have that notice somewhere, as it's my dream to have Kate and Cindy autograph it.)

Weeks later, I got my revenge on Mr. Obrum by regifting him a giant Christmas cheese wheel, tossing it over onto his lavishly decorated balcony, where it later exploded in the hot Florida sun, and over several days turned his balcony into a giant mossy fetid pool of revolting stank. When he got home from his vacation, my boyfriend and I rolled in helpless silent laughter in my living room, listening to his suprised "What the hell?" Hey, I was already evicted.

Now it's your turn. What's your Neighbor From Hell story? And I want to hear your version of the cheese wheel too, because my current neighbor doesn't have a balcony and I need ideas.


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