Tweaker Ted's Monday

9:00 AM - Reads New Testament. Focuses on parts about redemption. Tries not to think about sweaty mansex.

9:15 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Alphabetizes CD collection . Allen (Peter), Almond (Marc), Aviance (Kevin).....

10:00 AM - Tries not to think about hot sweaty mansex. Fails. Masturbates.

10:05 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Reverse alphabetizes CD collection. Young (Will), Wainwright (Rufus), Tourette (Pussy).....

10:45 AM - Masturbates. Thinks about hot sweaty mansex. Especially hot sweaty mansex with muscle daddy hooker Mike Jones and his sweet, sweet can.

11:00 AM - Back to the Bible. Focuses on part about judging. Laughs and laughs and laughs.

11:30 AM - Does huge bump of tina. Decides to clean garage. Alphabetizes tools. Allen wrench. Bolt cutters. Remembers Allen. Met him at The Bolt. Hot man. Does huge bump of tina.

1:00 PM - Decides to compose another letter to congregation. Writes down keywords: repulsive, deception, hot sweaty mansex. Throws out letter. Does huge bump of tina. Masturbates.

2:30 PM - Switches on TV. CNN, scandal. Fox News, scandal. Ooh! Steel Magnolias! Does huge bump of tina.

4:00 PM - Wife gets home from lawyers, locks herself in bedroom. Pleads at the door for forgiveness. Gets none. Does huge bump of tina.

5:00 PM - Wife packs bags and leaves with kids. Church officials won't return calls. Congregants won't return calls. Relatives won't return calls. Friends won't return calls. Tricks won't return calls. Hookers won't return calls.

6:00 PM - Does huge bump of tina.