HomoQuotable - Homer Simpson

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming!" - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Episode 4F11: Homer's Phobia, original airdate 2/16/97.

Friday Mailbag, May 5th, 2006

Today's mailbag theme: Conversions

Good Morning Joe!

Breaking news flash! As you know, I’m a Republican from a long line of Republicans. It has gotten so bad here in Ohio, that I’m changing my party affiliation to the Democrat Party; I think the Republican Party is too far gone. It gets better: many others in my family are or have already (my Dad was the first) changed parties. God, I thought I’d never be saying this: We are hoping for a big Democrat win this November and in November 2008.

Jeff Jackson, Toledo, Ohio

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Hey Joe,

My super-straight contractor just called to tell me he thinks he might be gay. (*fingers crossed*) I know you'll climb your usual soap box, but I will remind you that I don't consider "straight" hot. (As per your twins test). Whatever XXXXX turns out to be, he is an example of really-straight-regular-guy carriage and mannerisms, very working class. He is "physical labor" muscular rather than "gym" muscular. . His warmth and total lack of contrivance make him hot. And if he does cross over to the dark side, I am of course only concerned that he be broken in gently. ;-)

Name Withheld
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Urban Cougars? Mrrow!

For those of you who might be a little embarrassed of the gay community's employment of zoological nomenclature to describe ourselves (bears, pigs, cubs, etc), you should be aware of the straight usage of the word "cougar" to describe an older woman trying way too hard to look young. Ouch. But just like fat gay guys created the bear scene as a form of empowerment, some of these older women have re-invented themseleves as something called the "urban cougar".

On this morning's Today Show, Katie Couric described the urban cougar movement, the explosion of older women pursuing younger men, as representing a "seismic shift" in dating culture. Urban cougar is a new term to me, I've always called it "pulling a Terry McMillan." On the Today Show , Ivana Trump was quoted as having said, "I'd rather be a babysitter than a nurse."

There is a website for older women interesting in dating younger men, UrbanCougar.com. From the website: Urbancougar: It's not a stigma, it's a sophisticated species of female who seeks the pleasure of younger males. She avoids the entanglements of a "relationship," in favor of the freedom of the hunt. She has overcome the taboos related to her sexual identity, embraced her true self, and now lives her life to its fullest. Always one for adventure, she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it! This website is a celebration of the urbancougar lifestyle, the women who embody it, and the prey who love them for it!

"The prey"? You go, you urban cougar, you.

UPDATE: Check out the UrbanCougar.com categories of prey.

The Historic Dugout. No, Really.

In the first expansion of the Greenwich Village Historic District in 36 years, yesterday the New York City Landmarks Preservation Commission voted unanimously to expand the boundaries of the Historic District another three blocks west and to create the stand-alone Weehawken Street Historic District. This action immediately places another five full blocks (sixty buildings) under landmarked/historic protections, shielding them from demolition or inappropriate alterations.


As bears around the world already know, Weehawken Street, the shortest street in Manhattan, is also the home of the Dugout, located on the corner of Weehawken and Christopher. Many was the afternoon spent drinking beer under the shading trees of Weehawken Street, back when patrons were allowed to do such a thing. Scroll down this page (pictures take a minute to load) to see some of the now landmarked buildings. They are mostly unremarkable structures, hell, one of them is a ramshackle dirty bookstore, but this new designation effectively ends the peril of yet another row of glassy postmodern loft towers. Suck THAT, Richard Meier! (See below) And congratulations to the Greenwich Village Society for Historic Preservation and Executive Director Andrew Berman!

HomoQuotable - Harvey Milk

"More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion." - Harvey Milk, 1978
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Manhunt Spellchecker 2

In the early days of JMG, I posted a verbatim compilation of messages I'd received on Manhunt.net, the gay sex hook-up site. Here is an updating of that list, including some of the originals.

-Hey dud!

-U R Hott! Put that in the sexy place!

-I am *completely* uninhabited.

-Tonight I'm feeling VERY ranchy, how about u?

-Are you interested in a gang-bag? I would love for you and your friends to gang-bag me.

-You give me extra pleasure, especially in the lower half.

-Are you into SM? I have no pain deceptors.

-I hope you are into barebaking, cuz I'd love for you to bread me.

-Are you into hot men with mussels and strongly looking?

-You will never get to the bottom of my cunt.

-I'm into sweety passionnut sex with couples and small gropes.

-Can you get into rapping me? I love rap scenes and roll plays.

-I need to exercise my mouth. Will you be my gym?

-I want a hot verbal top who tells me what I am and where it goes, mostly.

-Can you host? I can't cuz I'm small, and somewhat spaced.

-No waters. No leathers. And boots are too nosy.

-Let me no.

-Piece.
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Yet Another Bush Post

For all your manscaping needs, Norelco has just come out with its first down-under hair trimmer, the cordless Bodygroom, "the safe and easy way to trim everything from the neck down". Bears should note that it does not appear to come with an attachment for reaching your back. Visit ShaveEverywhere for some really funny flash. (via Mike, I Am)

UPDATE: Kudos to alert JMG reader Kusala, for noticing this related product on the Amazon site. Turns out somebody already makes a shaver with an attachment for reaching your back. Bears: I'm not saying use it, I'm not saying don't. I'm just sayin!

UPDATE II: OK, you really have to watch the entire Bodygroom ad and scroll thru the options. Hilarious! Sound required. Listen to the spokeshunk's 8 voicemails as they get gayer and gayer. Really, kudos to Norelco and their creative agency. Oh, and watch the music video.

Ex-Gay'd Out

Our final parody of the Exodus "Ex-Gay" billboard campaign comes to us from Johnny of Johnny Is A Man. In other fucking hilarious Xtian news, in DC last week there was a rally to PRAY for lower gas prices. So...many...jokes.....must lie down. (via By The Bayou)

TV Talk With Joe And Johnny

Joe: So I think I hurt my brain.

Johnny: Huh?

Joe: I walked through the living room last night and Amazing Surreal Next Runway Idol was on. Or something.

Johnny: Hey! I watch those.

Joe: My exposure was 15 seconds, tops. Today I can't name a single state capital. Coincidence?

Johnny: what am state?

Joe: See.

Johnny: me am likey mazin race

Joe: Shit. I think I lost my multiplication tables too.

Johnny: tay...bul?
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Rhythm Is A Prancer

Last week CNN.com published the results of its readers poll which asked the question, "What is the worst pop song of all time?" This poll occurs from time to time in various publications and I found CNN's results unsurprising, other than the appearance of the gay camp classic, Charlene's I've Never Been To Me, which came in at #4.

But Charlene's position in the Worst Top Five inspired me to put a gayish spin on CNN's question. What is the worst dance song of all time? We are the Gentlemen Who Dance, so I know there's an encyclopedic knowledge base out there. I figure it will be harder to single out bad dance songs, because the usual main factor that identifies a bad pop song, really insipid lyrics, doesn't necessarily apply to dance songs, because in discoland, words are often used for their sound more than for their meaning.

For the purposes of our poll, let's consider all categories of club music to fall under the broader "dance" umbrella. Disco, funk, techno, tribal, whatever. Consider instrumentals too, by the way. I'll start by giving you my top three, one of which is bound to be identified by a lot of you anyway.

3. Rhythm Is A Dancer - Snap

I googled the lyrics of this song just now, to provide triumphant proof of its inanity, but now I'm all derailed by what I think are the wrongly transcribed lyrics: "I plunge right on through the office door and into the arms of the bottomless negro of love." That's not right, is it?

2. Cotton-Eyed Joe - Rednex

This song signaled the end of my fascination with techno. Full stop.

1. Barbie Girl - Aqua

Even worse than the fact that once I hear this song, I cannot get it out of my head for several hours, is the knowledge that I will one day hear Barbie Girl in a gay bar on their festive Retro '90s Flashback Night, and the dancefloor will crowd with 25-year olds pumping their fists in not-really-ironic joy.

Now you.

Jose', Can You Si?

In 2000, I happen to be in Sacramento, the state capital, on the day of California's sesquicentennial celebration. Amidst all the pomp and circumstance of paying tribute to the state's 150th birthday, there was a sizable counter-demonstration, staged by immigration reform activists. Passing by that rally, I saw a demonstrator's sign whose message has lingered on my mind to this day.

"We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us!"

However you feel about immigration, illegal immigrants, border security, or whether the national anthem should ever be sung in Spanish, I think it's worth remembering that for a large part of this country, our Spanish heritage is much older than our English heritage. Texas, for example, has been a part of the United States for 161 years. However, the previous 320 years (or so) were spent as part of New Spain, Mexico or as the independent Republic of Texas. Ironically, while under Mexican rule, one of the most divisive issues facing Texans was that of illegal immigration from the United States.

Therefore, we should keep in mind that California, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and Texas were all part of New Spain for hundreds of years, before their relatively brief period as part of the newly independent Mexico, and then it was decades longer still before the Stars and Stripes flew over any of their capitals.

People who speak out against illegal immigration have valid concerns. But wrapping their campaign in a furious cloud of anti-Spanish sentiment is not only racist on its face, it demonstrates a really, really poor knowledge of American history.
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