Tom Of Sparta

Last night I saw the movie 300, which I found gorgeously photographed, populated by innumerable beautiful men, and really, really, really awful. Ripped directly from the Lord Of The Rings canon of computer-multiplied hordes, freakish creatures, and interminable sword fights, the only thing that saved this movie from being a complete waste of time were the hot men and their sexy costumes, which were apparently borrowed from attendees of Folsom Street Fair. Codpieces, harnesses, armbands, masks.....add a bottle of poppers and some Nasty Pig chaps and you'd be hard be hard pressed to discern the cast from that of any Titan Media release. Clearly, somebody's a fan of Tom Of Finland.

But hey, if you like slo-mo gore, this movie is for you. Slo-mo beheadings? Check. Slo-mo de-leggings? Plenty. You also get slo-mo de-armings and not a few slo-mo de-eye-ings. It's gore for the sake of gore, and the audio engineers pot up the squishing and spurting to the limit, giving the bloodthirsty a full Sensurround splash and slop-o-rama. As for the acting, it's all straight out the tired LOTR school of "I'm making an IMPORTANT announcement." An important announcement delivered in the cliched historical-drama English accent, because all ancient peoples must speak in an English accent, that's just the law.

A lot of praise has been heaped on 300 for its unusual sepia-drenched photography, but as lovely as that was, by the end of the first 30 minutes, I found myself aching for some true color. The only slight saving grace for this movie was Andrew Pleavin as Daxos, the hot, harnessed, bald Arkadian shortie. Waiting for Daxos to make his next appearance was the only thing that keep me from bailing. If I could find a picture of Daxos in that harness, I'd feel slightly better about wasting $11. Very not-recommended. A lot.

UPDATE: Thanks to JMG reader Dennis, we have this photo of Andrew Pleavin, aka Arkenian shortie Daxos. I'm still hunting for a picture of him in his 300 harness, but in the meantime: embiggen makey hottie.