Folsom 2006 Sightseeing Checklist

1. Impossibly repulsive naked old dude carrying a giant snake: Check.

2. Morbidly obese hairy-pitted topless lesbians: Check.

3. Go-go boy working an Audrey Hepburn/Joe Gage/Beyonce stage outfit: Check.

4. Heavily-tatted naked German sex tourists masturbating for "shocked" tourists: Check and check. Can you do that again for the camera?

5. Society of Janus masochists impaled with weighted bloody fishhooks: Check. (Their t-shirts say "Yes, it hurts.")

6. Roving packs of spectacularly high porn stars, their manhole-cover-sized pupils hidden behind enormous reflective aviators: Check, on every corner. The stables of the competing porn studios took up positions on opposing corners. It was *this* close to turning into the big dance number with the Sharks and the Jets, only with way more nipple rings. Rita Moreno nowhere to be found.

7. Possibly dangerous, definitely deranged street person dancing to his own imaginary DJ: Check.

8. Exposed cottage-cheesed droopy ass cheeks fluttering in the slight breeze: Lost count due to searing white hot pain in my cursedly working eyes.

9. Freakishly 'roided bodybuilders who make those muscle-morphed porn photos suddenly seem feasible. Check. Today's drink special: Deca Smoothies! Now with more rage!

10. Various publicly performed SM scenes covering the dom/sub, daddy/boy, master/slave, Apple/PC oeuvres. Check times infinity. I flog because I love. You're making me do this. You're lucky I give you my scorn at all. Now thank me for punishing you. Louder. And what did I tell you about talking with my dick in your mouth?