Nailed It

From the Onion's fake op-ed by Donald Trump:

You know what you have to do to make me go away. Just quit paying attention. Stop reading this right now. That’s right, I didn’t think so. I have the power to make the next 16 months one of the most incredible times in our nation’s history, and not a single one of you can say you’re not at least a little bit curious to see how this wild ride shakes out. So just keep clicking every link that mentions my name and hitting play on every clip of my public appearances, and I promise you will not be disappointed. Now, excuse me, but I have to go appear at a New Hampshire town hall and make a statement that every last one of you will be eagerly reading about and discussing in just a few hours’ time.

The full piece is worth a laugh.

Onion Headline Of The Day

Details.

Onion Headline Of The Day

The Onion Takes On NOM Scandal

Excellent. (Tipped by JMG reader Elliot)

Funny Or Not Funny?

An excerpt:

McElroy, who sources reported has been called "faggot" on 43 separate occasions in the past month, confirmed his favorite lunch spot is strategically located on the exact opposite end of the building from both the gymnasium and the hall most frequented by the school's eighth-graders. The 12-year-old also told reporters it "felt cool" knowing he had a little corner of the school largely to himself for a moment.

We should be able to laugh at ourselves just like anybody else, but this just doesn't feel funny to me. Maybe because so many of us were this kid. (Tipped by JMG reader Ivan)

Sally Kern: PWND

The bit of Onion-pwnage comes via trans attorney Brittany Novatny, whom you may recall made history when she ran against Kern last year.

Black Man Asks For Change

From The Onion:

According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change. "The need for change is stronger and more urgent than ever before. And only you—the people standing here today, and indeed all the people of this great nation—only you can deliver this change."

The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met. It is estimated that, to date, the black man has asked every single person in the United States for change