Bryan Safi: Tips To Closeted Politicians

Bob Allen Resigns

Disgraced Florida Republican legislator Bob Allen resigned late on Friday shortly after his conviction for soliciting tearoom sex from an undercover cop. Allen was sentenced to six months probation and must pay court costs and fines. The judge ordered Allen to undergo tests for HIV and STDs and to take a class on HIV awareness. He was also told to stay away from the park where he was arrested and from all scary black men.

Bob Allen Convicted

Florida Republican legislator Bob Allen was convicted Friday of solicitation of an undercover officer. He faces 60 days in jail, a $500 fine, and will likely be immediately removed from the legislature. In July, Allen was arrested in a public park near Titusville, Florida after offering to pay an undercover cop $20 if Allen could blow him.

After his arrest, Allen protested, "I'm not in anyway associated with that they are saying, this is disgusting.'' He later told investigators that he only "played along" with the undercover cop because he feared black men.

As these things go, Rep. Allen is the author of failed Florida House Bill #1475, the "Lewd Or Lascivious Exhibition Act" which would have made public masturbation in the presence of another adult illegal, whether the other adult consented or not. Florida statutes already cover such behavior for when a minor is present and the bill died in committee.

In 2005, Allen told right-wing Christian site World Net Daily about his "Sexual Predators Elimination Act" which sought mandatory life without parole sentences for those designated as sexual predators. Allen's now-ironic statement to WND: "We can get away from all those expensive law-enforcement time-wasting factors by simply going straight to the root of the problem, and that is the offender, and put them in a locked up place where we know we're safe." The bill was strongly opposed by the Florida ACLU and did not pass.

Oh, and Bob Allen is the local Police Union 2007 Legislator Of The Year. Heh.
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"Strange Male Ass"

You'll have to embiggen it to be able to read the text of this cartoon I found on Free Republic, where I often lurk on their "Homosexual Agenda" threads. They do almost as good a job of ferreting out news of gay interest as some mainstream gay media sites.

Although the cartoon is intended to be mean-spirited, the author inadvertently endorses Andrew Sullivan's contention that it is homophobia that sends many closeted gay men trolling in search of tea-room lovin'.

GOP Closet Cruisers' Profiles Exposed!

I ripped this bit of hilarity off from Queerty, who got it from a "particularly clever, presumably unemployed, bored reader." Well done, mystery man. Please come forward for some well-earned credit.

Judge: Allen's Statements Out

A Florida judge has ruled that since Florida legislator Bob Allen was not read his Miranda rights, statements he subsequently made to the police will not be admissible in his trial, including his stated fear of black men and his (as far as I know) previously undisclosed mention that he had "$800 in his car". Hmm, that seems kinda bribe-ish, don't it? Unless he was planning on blowing 40 black dudes in that park.

The trial will go on, beginning Sept. 19th. The Speaker of the Florida House has stripped Allen of his committee appointments, but Allen has sworn that he will not resign and in fact, plans to run for higher office. Yeah, that'll happen.

Allen Apologies To NAACP

Rep. Bob "Tearoom" Allen apologized to the North Brevard chapter of the NAACP in Florida yesterday to deny charges of racism raised when he told cops that he feared that he was about to be "made a statistic" by the black men loitering in the park he was cruising.

Allen told the NAACP that he now that he's been arrested, he understands that the civil rights movement was not just about racial equality, saying, "That was a battle they didn't fight for just people of color." The NAACP said they accepted his apology.

Tearoom For Two?

Bob "Tea-room" Allen says he is not a racist or a criminal and will not resign his seat in the Florida legislature. His lawyer says that based on the arresting officer's own report, it was the police who did the soliciting, not Allen. The police contend that Allen initiated the incident by entering the police officer's stall and leaning on the closed door. I have wonder how a moose of a guy like Allen and a "stocky" police officer fit into the same stall and struck up a conversation without actually touching each other. Maybe it was the handicapped stall? The police sound fishy on this.

Daily Show On Bob Allen

Watch their hysterical video. Right fucking on.

Bob Allen: It's Because The Cop Was Black

Disgraced Florida right-wing legislator Bob "Tea-room" Allen, whom you may recall was caught in a park restroom last month, offering a cop $20 for sex, now says he only played along because he feared black men: "This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park." According to the Orlando Sentinel, Allen was "intimidated" by the cop and was afraid he was "about to become a statistic."

Here's the cop's transcript of his conversation with Allen after the righteous righty peered over into his stall and then joined him inside:

Allen: Hi, this is kind of a public place, isn't it?
Cop: We could go somewhere else.
Allen: How about across the bridge, it's quieter over there.
Cop: Well look, man, I'm trying to make some money; you think you can hook me up with 20 bucks?
Allen: Sure, I can do that, but this place is too public.
Cop: I wanna know what I gotta do for 20 bucks before we leave.
Allen: I don't know what you're into.
Cop: Do you just want a blowjob?
Allen: I was thinking you would want one.
Cop: But you'll still give me the 20 bucks for that?
Allen: Yeah, I wouldn't argue with that.

What a brilliant tactic! If you think you're about to be mugged, offer your would be assailant some oral luvin! Peace will reign throughout the land!

SiriusFM 3:30PM

Today at 3:30pm EST, I'll be appearing on Michelangelo Signorile's show on Sirius OutQ to chat about the Bob Allen story. Listen here live.
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HomoQuotable - Bob Allen

"I'm not in anyway associated with that they are saying, this is disgusting.'' - Florida state representative Bob Allen (R-Merritt Island), shortly after he was arrested for soliciting a male undercover cop for sex in a Titusville park restroom. The busted pol allegedly offered $20 if the cop would let Allen blow him.

Because we both went to UCF and because he (unfortunately) is the state House representative for several of my friends in my hometown of Orlando, I've been following Bob Allen's shenanigans for some time.

Laugh #1: Rep. Allen is the author of failed Florida House Bill #1475, the "Lewd Or Lascivious Exhibition Act" which would have made public masturbation in the presence of another adult illegal, whether the other adult consented or not. Florida statutes already cover such behavior for when a minor is present and the bill died in committee in two months ago. I'm pretty sure Rep. Allen was violating #1475 when he offered to blow that cop, doncha think? Lucky for him it didn't pass!

Laugh #2: Allen, who is listed as co-chair for John McCain's Florida campaign, was first elected to the Florida House in 2000, is married with one daughter, and lists his recreational interest as "water sports". Hmm, he doesn't look like he skis.

Laugh #3: In 2005, Allen told right-wing Christian site World Net Daily about his "Sexual Predators Elimination Act" which sought mandatory life without parole sentences for those designated as sexual predators. Allen's now-ironic statement to WND: "We can get away from all those expensive law-enforcement time-wasting factors by simply going straight to the root of the problem, and that is the offender, and put them in a locked up place where we know we're safe." The bill was strongly opposed by the Florida ACLU and did not pass.

Laugh #4: The Central Florida Rainbow Democratic Club, which rates policitians using their unique Wizard of Oz-based scale, ranks Bob Allen as a "Wicked Witch", the "absolute worst of the worst".

Laugh #5: The photo credit for the above pic, taken from the Florida House site, goes to one "Mark Foley." I mean, I'm sure it's not THAT Mark Foley, but still - it made me laugh.

But Rep. Allen isn't completely obsessed with sex. He's also into guns!

In April, Allen earned the enmity of Florida's gun lobby when he betrayed them over the "Guns In The Parking Lot" bill (officially HB 1417, the Individual Personal Private Property Protection Act of 2007) which was meant to prohibit businesses from banning customers and employees from keeping guns in their parked cars. Yeah, you read that right. The NRA wanted to prevent businesses from preventing people with guns from parking in their lots.

Allen co-sponsored the bill, then voted "no" on it, aiding its defeat. The bill was ostensibly written to protect employees from "corporate giants" who (according to former NRA head Marion Hammer) "have randomly searched private vehicles in their parking lots, without probable cause, under the pretense of searching for “contraband” - which covers anything they choose - and subsequently fired employees who had firearms in their private motor vehicles." Allen claimed that the bill (written by Marion Hammer) did not go far enough in protecting gun owners and submitted his own version of the bill titled the "True Gun Bill". He was the only one to vote for his bill.

Allen has been positioning himself as even more of a right-wing nut than the Republican state senator whose seat he is, ahem, now gunning for. Obviously, his arrest as a wannabe cocksucker puts all of those plans of Ol' Sex & Guns in jeopardy.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
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