Santorum Easter Ham

From Christwire, of course:

Nothing brings the family together like a home-cooked meal, but have your wife’s dishes grown dull and tired? Spice up your holiday with the exciting bounty of a Santorum Glazed Easter Ham! It’s thick and juicy, sweet and smoky, just like Pennsylvania’s favorite Senator himself! We glaze our hams faithfully a dozen times over to give them that wet, tangy taste that you only get from a fresh piece of meat! That spunky explosion of Santorum is so succulent, you’ll want to suck it right out!

Do go read the entire piece.

Headline Of The Day

Christwire nails me yet again:

Joe My God, the greatest literary bottom bard of the homogay movement, and Aaron Heier [right], the relic ‘cutesy muscle-daddy’ talk-show genre host that makes gay men stamp their claws and arch their back like a screeching 8-ball snort nosed cat in heat are all well known to us. [snip] After Aaron’s getting the NOM contingent blitzed at a bar, Joe apparently took over and used his wordsmithing to trick the NOM personnel into saying all sorts of untrue things that us Christians would never say about gays. They are trying to make it seem like Christians and NOM are trying to create Charlie Manson’s demented visions of Helter Skelter. And now they’ve apparently convinced the New York Times of this mess!

It's totally worth your time to read the entire piece. (I inserted that photo of Aaron myself. You're welcome.)

Swag Tuesday

Courtesy of the publisher, today's Swag Tuesday prize is The Christwire Handbook, fresh from the authors of the hilarious Poe-drenched website. The Christwire Handbook will be available online and at booksellers nationwide beginning December 27th. There a short chapter about JMG!

A national media sensation, ChristWire.org takes righteousness beyond the bounds of reason. You can't argue the truth. If God didn't send tornadoes to warn blacks about rap music, who did? If your husband isn't a closet gay, he must secretly be Chinese. Don't send your son to college unless you want to expose him to the dangers of vajazzling. This is no joke, folks. ChristWire is here to save the world from falling into the hands of sanity. "It's so good--and people on the Internet are so insane that no one gets it." --Village Voice. "In the world of ChristWire the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage." --New York Magazine.

We have three autographed copies of The Christwire Handbook to give away. Enter to win by commenting on this post. Only enter once and please remember to leave your email address in the text of your comment. Entries close at midnight on Thursday, west coast time. Publicists: If you'd like to take part in Swag Tuesday on JMG, please email me.

Christwire Vs. JMG, Part Four

This week's assault begins like this:

O fecal wrath enablers of America, hear my plea! Pull your head from your gay phallus coddle zones and get a heavy dose of reality! All gays will burn in hell! It is in the BIBLE of our GODLY NATION. Governor Rick Perry is trying to save America from damnation, yet we see the damned thigh thrusting, magical dance of the tickle tongue anal fairy gays are being typical bigots and denying a great man from preaching the truth! There is a campaign by gays to call Governor Rick Perry a bigot for stating what we all know is true. Homosexuality is wrong! If homosexuality churns even the belly of our almighty God, being so ‘repugnant’ that it causes his brow to furrow and his nose to cinch like a Glad-lock bag trying to hold back fishy, foul odors, then what effect does it have on the body of a mere man!

Read the entire thing.

Christwire Vs. JMG, Part Three

Here we go!

I could only wish this were the age of Inquisition, because I would happily kick through the doors of every confirmed gay and make them renounce their choice of fecal empowerment! The atheists and gays love to disrespect religion, so it is no surprise they have decided to pick on these two holy leaders and cause the Pope to be damned to hell and bring even more damnation and guilt upon the Imam. Let’s pray for Pope Ratzinger tonight that God will forgive him for this homosexual kiss. It is not funny. It is terrifying and angering all at once, and as always, the gays are to blame.

Christwire's 51 Words For Penis

Christwire Vs. JMG, Part Two

Today on Christwire:

Last week the phallic lunging legion of letterjacket gays and their Fonzerelli leather bear cool guy, Joe My God, exploded with typically sassy homosexual anger after we exposed their organized campaign to smear the good name Herman Cain. Democrats and gays fear Herman Cain because he is tough. He can roll with the punches and keep a watermelon joy cheer grin written on his face, and laugh about it. Gays are trying to become the new black in America and there is nothing that scares the Democrats more than an Obama vs Cain lineup, because liberals are natural racists.

RELATED: There's a chapter about me in the coming Christwire book, which will be released on December 27th. My bit is titled The Online Homosexual Menace. Or something!

Posted Today On Christwire

From today's top story on Christwire:

Hell hath no spitfire like a lisping gay scorned, so it’s no surprise today to see legions of gays angrily sassafrasshing and sashaying all around their demigod Joe My God in heated fury and trying to scratch the skin off GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain. For years now gays have tried to become the new black. If you listen to their political rhetoric, it is focused on becoming the ‘scapegoated victim’ of America when in reality it is the knuckleclenched-up-the-intestines reverse ploy opposite. Gays are trying to sodomize the morality of America, trying to make us feel deep guilt that we stand against a woman having her privates mangled until it resembles a proper pickler, the surgery being shown at “Family Time Hours” on MSNBC.

Read the entire piece.

Christwire On The Bear Movement

Apparently it all started with Gilligan and the Skipper.

Gilligan, also know as the Skipper’s “Little Buddy,” would be classified as a “Cub” in gay vernacular. A cub is slight of frame and a bit dimwitted. He is submissive to his master, both intellectually and physically. In practice, he is the feminine homemaker and recipient of sodomy during erotic intercourse. Gilligan’s lithe, hairless body fits perfectly against the Skipper’s hairy barrel chest. His goofy antics give his master ample opportunity to take control, to keep this boy’s juvenile nature in check with harsh commands and brute force.

Clearly, Gilligan played his role as “First Mate” to Skipper to a T. It is not surprising, then, to see that each episode of Gilligan’s Island concluded with these two men retiring to the hushed privacy of their conjugal hut, far from the eyes of normal society, fumbling against each other with curious intent as the studio lights fade, suggesting the darkest exile of human indecency where any sort of sweaty violation might follow. Yet the show always quickly cut away from this sensual wonderland with a saccharine soundtrack in a simplistic attempt to reassure its heterosexual viewers that nothing untoward was intended.

Read the full article.

Christwire On JMG

Christwire has some fun at my expense.

Rest assured that God’s belly churns and is sickened by every mention of this sacrilege leather daddy who calls himself God and ruler. Every day, Joe writes homosexual erotica that masquerades as journalism, on his website JoeMyGod.com. The very name of the site is smeared in the fecality of homosexual sins, so it is no surprise that it is putridly offensive to the sensibilities of the normal folks of America.

Read the full article.

Howard Stern Falls For Christwire

I guess he didn't hear about Rachel Maddow falling for it too. Kudos once again to Christwire's brilliant satirists. Audio only and very NSFW.

(Tipped by JMG reader Tyson)

Rachel Maddow Falls For Christwire

Those hilariously evil queens at Christwire write us this morning to gloat that last night Rachel Maddow fell for their so-Christian-it-feels-real satire. Today Rachel tweeted her chagrin.

UPDATE: The wingnut-o-sphere is having a field day. From Glenn Beck's blog: "It’s worth pointing out that on Saturday Palin joked about how long it would take for her to be connected to Egypt. She bet a month. Looks like she was wrong." I don't recommend the comments there.

Porno Pete As Allen Ginsberg

The hilarious folks at Christwire have outdone themselves with today's entry in which they rewrite Allen Ginsberg's classic poem Howl from the perspective of Peter LaBarabera. It begins:

I saw the greatest hopes of my Christian nation destroyed by homosexuality, penetrating, violating and ejaculating, faith leaders and all-American jocks prowling Castro nights for angry leather studs, suburban hipsters sparking ganja joints as they click through the skanky dilemma of Craigslist at 3am, who Pumas and Chinese tattoos and herbal teas sat up contemplating lubricants and Lady Gaga, who bared their buttocks on webcams and saw millionaire Manhattan sugar daddies conspiring to overturn the U.S. Constitution, who passed through liberal universities with radiant allowances, hallucinating a Clintonian dynasty, who danced fiercely at afterhours clubs, tasting the heights of depraved sodomistic orgies of feces and urine for the first time, who burned away that last shred of decency without even bothering to listen as mothers cried on the other end of the phone, who consumed every word Rachel Maddow ever spoke, liberalism, or prostituted this nation’s future night after night with blog posts, with protests, with Pelosi, with waking nightmares, Veuve Clicquot and Creole crawfish dip and endless fundraising balls, incomparably blind state legislatures voting to legalize sodomy, homosexual marriage, and the utter destruction of all 6,000 years of human history.....

Somebody totally needs to perform this on YouTube. Go read the entire thing. It still kills me that so many of Christwire's readers aren't in on the joke.

RELATED: If you are unfamiliar with Howl and its unique pacing, you might want to read the original first.

Nominations Open For 2011 Bloggies

Yesterday nominations opened for the 2011 Bloggies and for the first time there is a Best Religion Blog category. I suggest the hilarious satire site, Christwire, whose writers even befuddled the New York Times this year. There's also a first-time category for Best Parenting Blog. What would be a good gay parenting blog to nominate?

Christwire's JMG Pulp Novel

Christwire's Stephenson Billings has created a fleet of amusing pulp novel covers taking jabs at various bloggers, websites, and personalities.

I am opening the door to their obsessions and predilections, their narcissism and their lust, the very things that they are too afraid to admit to themselves. If today’s so-called artists and thinkers had the energy and wherewithal to actually write something in long form worthy of paper as opposed to their nagging Twitter updates or their blog tirades, this is what they’d write.

Loves it.

New York Times Outs Christwire

Today the New York Times does what numerous other publications have tried and failed to do, they've gotten the guys behind Christwire to come clean.

Christwire has lately reached new levels of popularity, in part thanks to an Aug. 14 column, “Is My Husband Gay?” Written by Stephenson Billings, the piece is a 15-point checklist to help wives diagnose possibly closeted husbands. “Gym membership but no interest in sports” is one warning sign. So is “Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends” and “Love of pop culture.” “Is My Husband Gay?” was picked up on The Huffington Post and mentioned by Ryan Seacrest on his radio show; so far it has been viewed 8.3 million times. Oh, by the way: Christwire is all one big joke. Not the readership — which hit a high of 27 million page views in August — but the content, the opinions and the fake authors who write the stuff. (There is no “Stephenson Billings.”) Neither of the two founders is a conservative Christian. They are just like-minded 28-year-olds who met on the Internet, have never seen each other in person, and until this week had never given their real identities to a reporter. Bryan Butvidas is a software developer who works out of his house in Southern California. Kirwin Watson is a former Pepperdine student who moved back home in Kansas, where he now works “on the patient-care staff” of a local hospital. According to phone interviews with both men, they met online in 2005, when both were contributing to the news aggregator Shoutwire.com.

I've exchanged some emails with the guy writing as Stephenson Billings, who remains anonymous in the Times article. Last week another well-known New York publication wrote me several times in an attempt to divine Billings' true identity, asking me if he ever "broke character" during our email exchanges.

Daily Grumble

I know I've already told you at least three or four times, but Christwire is a freekin' parody site, people. A very fucking hilarious parody site. But thanks for your outraged emails. It just goes to prove how brilliant Stephenson Billings is.

Christwire On George Rekers

Hilarious parody site Christwire on the Dr. George Rekers scandal:

The proof of Dr. Rekers’ heterosexuality is in his supreme fight against the radical gay agenda. His deeds– his Evangelical writings and teachings– affirm a life lived under Christ’s laws. The power of his righteousness shines on the faces of the thousands upon thousands of people he has touched and inspired to rebel against their worst homosexual desires. A few sordid acts could never refute such a lifetime of glory. Dr. George Rekers is and forever will be a true and beautiful heterosexual, despite what tales are pawned off in your local blogs and newspapers. God has made none straighter. The gays shall lay no claim to him. He is one of us! Even if, by chance, some unfortunate same-sex tryst happened there in the teeming alleyways of Madrid or on the bleached shores of Costa Brava, under a starry Andalucian night, or on a brisk Basque morning, whatever did happen Dr. George Rekers will forever remain a righteous heterosexual in our hearts!

Righteous!

The Best One Yet

From Christwire:

It is a well-known fact that the homosexuals have been secretly working to subvert American laws for quite some time, but the new violent turn has surprised many people (other than myself). It may have its roots in the political loss in Maine, where voters unanimously said they hate the gay lifestyle that has been overrunning their state with bed & breakfast hotels and antique shops for years. In the past, homosexuals have thrilled at outlaw sex, whether it’s hard up against a wall in 1950s public restrooms, in the 1960s in Manhattan’s West Side piers where orgies of horny, drug-addled libertines would rape each other until dawn or even in the coke-fueled 70s where big hair and flared slacks didn’t prevent them from spraying their sticky seed showers from San Francisco to Savannah.

Lately, the gays have become obsessed with homosexual marriage. They have tried to bribe numerous politicians with fundraising campaigns, political action committees and threats of voting in blocks to pursue this perverted un-Constitutional agenda. With musky thrill of a few wrongheaded victories, the gays have pushed harder, demanding greater visibility on network television, gay-themed cruise lines and the legalization of adoption. Other issues demanded by the sex-crazed sodomizers: the right for a street twink to visit his rich “sugar daddy” in the hospital so he can pull the life support plug and inherit his estate, the legalization of public displays of affection and sodomy, and the right for gays to sneak into the military so they can leer at our handsome and virile fighting men. Now that the homosexuals have taken to voting and arming themselves, is there any doubt they may achieve these goals?

Read the entire thing and catch the photo of me wearing a suicide bomb vest.

A Letter From ChristWire.com

The author of the ChristWire piece on Andre Bauer that I linked to yesterday sends this letter.

Dear Joe,

A friend forwarded your article to me and I was thrilled at first because, with your blog's name, I thought you might be a man of the cloth. Instead I find that you are gallivanting around in the most inappropriate of cloths, both literally and figuratively. Your leather-clad persona surely is a fearsome sight to behold and I pray for the mothers and families in your community who quiver at the mere mention of you. Do you care one iota for your neighbors? Probably not, when you engage in all night sex raves with that awful club music. I'm sure many a neighbor has wanted to call the police on you but was too afraid to be labeled a "homophobe" by the thought officers now running this country (or to see the herd of naked hairy Village People-styled men shepherded out of your dwelling in front of the glare of police lights and news cameras for curious children to witness from their bedroom windows.)

On another note, your figurative cloths- and by that I mean your words-- the posts on your blog, show your horrendous liberal bias, dry humping every news story on special gay rights. Do the gays really read that much news? I do not believe most are literate or sober enough to make it through a text message, let alone an article on Diana Ross (really?) or the fact that even a few democrats like Moakley see the evils of DOMA, and not just for political expediency in a highly Catholic state. That's where your haven of horniness, Provincetown, is located, correct? (By the way, I am Heterosexual.) You clearly could not support yourself writing such filth for the dozen or so homosexuals out there who aren't lurking on Craig's List or Man Hunting.com for some virile young man to pounce on like a pack of deranged dogs thrilled by the scent of innocence and Dove soap, new Nikes and a tank top. Oh you are disgusting.

In love and prayer,

Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist

I get so many emails like this, I was into the second paragraph before I got it. Love it. Move over Betty Bowers, you've got stiff competition.