This Week's National Enquirer

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From The Latest National Enquirer

Boy Culture has the story.

CEASE & DESIST: Chaz Bono Tells National Enquirer To Stop Lying About Him

Celebrity PR guru Howard Bragman emailed us a copy of the above demand that the National Enquirer stop lying about the health of Chaz Bono.

National Enquirer Publishes Story Accusing John Boehner Of Extramarital Affairs

Over at Boy Culture, Matthew Rettenmund has some shots of the latest National Enquirer, which claims that GOP House Speaker John Boehner has had extramarital affairs with at least two women, one of whom was a lobbyist whose client received favorable treatment in Boehner's home district. The story has not yet appeared on the tabloid's website.

Scandal Rumors Fly Around John Boehner

Rumors are flying that the ill-reputed National Enquirer, who actually did get it right about John Edwards, is about to publish a similar adultery scandal about GOP House Speaker John Boehner. Via Stark Reports:

Wonder how well Boehner’s zero-tolerance pledge regarding corruption will hold up when it comes out that several hundred paper-making jobs were lost in his district and he refused to do anything about it at the same time he was sleeping with a lobbyist for the printing industry that was very happy to get their cheap paper from China.

Boehner and his wife Debbie have been married for 37 years. If lightning strikes a second time for the National Enquirer, this could be the shortest speakership in history. On the other hand, that rag completely makes shit up all the time. Stand by.

Report: John Edwards To Be Indicted Over Campaign Funds Misuse

Disgraced 2008 Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is about to be indicted for campaign funds misuse, according to the National Enquirer. Via Huffington Post:

A federal grand jury is about to indict John Edwards, sources tell the National Enquirer. The grand jury has been investigating the former presidential candidate since April 2009 for possible misuse of campaign funds -- Edwards had mistress Rielle Hunter on his payroll -- and indictment is now imminent. The Enquirer talked to one friend who revealed that John was "terrified":

"While he believes he's done nothing illegal in trying to hide his extramarital affair with Rielle and their daughter, he thinks the Feds are going to make an example of him."

It hasn't been a great winter for the former presidential candidate. On the one hand, there has been Andrew Young, former Edwards aide and admitted accomplice in concealing the affair, stepping forward with a tell-all memoir of campaign trail debauchery and details of an Edwards-Hunter sex tape. On the other, recently-separated-from wife Elizabeth has threatened to sue Young for "alienation of affection," while friends told the Enquirer that Edwards beat her in a marriage-ending fight.

It was the National Enquirer that first broke the story of Edwards' affair and love child.

National Enquirer Claims Anderson Cooper To Adopt Haitian Baby

The National Enquirer is claiming that Anderson Cooper and his boyfriend are going to adopt a Haitian baby.

Hard-charging CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper was so moved by the suffering from the earthquake in Haiti, he's decided to adopt a Haitian orphan, The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively. The silver-haired journalist and his hunky boyfriend, Ben Maisani, plan to raise the child together in their recently purchased home, a former firehouse they're renovating in New York's West Village, pals say. "The death and destruction in Haiti made Anderson realize what's really important. He and Ben have decided to become dads," a longtime friend told The ENQUIRER. "Ben has been the best thing that's ever happened to Anderson. They both feel they're ready for a baby."

This story is probably crap, but we've learned not to dismiss the Enquirer quite so quickly after their recent string of scoops, most notably the John Edwards story. What are Haiti's rules are for gay adoption anyway?

UPDATE: Andy Towle says Cooper is telling him that the story is false.

Enquirer: Palin Cheated With Her Husband's Business Partner

From the Enquirer:

No less than three members of the man’s family including one by sworn affidavit have claimed that Sarah Palin engaged in an extramarital affair with hus­band Todd’s former business partner, Brad Hanson. These sources have named Hanson as Palin’s secret love, and say their affair nearly wrecked both their marriages.

Hanson owned a snowmobile dealership with Palin’s husband Todd, who immediately dissolved the partnership after he heard stories about the affair, which occurred around 1996, according to the sources. At the time, Palin was mayor of Wasilla.

Palin has vehemently de­nied cheating on her hus­band, and Hanson insisted to The NATIONAL ENQUIRER that he was never romantically in­volved with the 44-year-old Republican vice presiden­tial candidate.

The Enquirer says that one of their sources has passed a lie detector test, but as Gawker notes, he's an ex-con, so there's that. And yes, it WOULD be nice to confront Palin on the actual issues and her positions, but since THEY WON'T LET HER TALK, this junk is all we've got.

National Enquirer Rips Into Palin Family

With the National Enquirer's newfound credibility after the John Edwards affair, many are looking with interest to their expose' of Sarah Palin. According to the story, Palin's son Track, the Iraq-bound patriot, is a mainlining drug addict (Oxycontin!) who used to break into cars. And preggers Bristol was quite the out of control party girl herself.

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that Sarah's oldest son, Track, was addicted to the power drug Oxycontin for nearly the past two years, snorting it, eating it, smoking it and even injecting it. And as Track, 19, heads to Iraq as part of the U.S. armed forces, Sarah and her husband Todd were powerless to stop his wild antics.

And as Gov. Palin has billed the state of Alaska for various expenses related to her children, as reported by The Washington Post, The ENQUIRER's investigation reveals that she was so incensed by 17-year-old Bristol's pregnancy that she banished her daughter from the house.

Another family friend revealed pre-prego Bristol was as much of a hard partier as Track was. "Bristol was a huge stoner and drinker. I’ve seen her smoke pot and get drunk and make out with so many guys. All the guys would brag that the just made out with Bristol.”

From Gawker, who has the print edition, here are some quotes from Track's friends.

• "Before joining the Army last September, Track partied all the time. I saw him do so many keg stands, and all he ever talked about was getting stoned."
• "Track was a master at playing people and paying them to get drugs, alcohol, steal car rims, Xbox games, you name it."
• "All the girls loved Track, but he was more into drugs and himself. He used his local celebrity status with the other guys to get them to steal things he wanted."
• "I've partied with Track for years. I've seen him snort cocaine, snort and smoke OxyContin, drink booze and smoke weed. OxyContin was definitely his drug of choice."
• Track was a full-on OxyContin addict in 2006 and 2007, the Enquirer says, and was mainlining the drug. Which is very bad.
• "I've smoked weed with Track many times. He was one of two kids in school that had a fake ID."

A Gawker commenter notes, "It's a sad, sad day when the Enquirer is the most hard hitting reporter in the nation." As for Track, he sounds pretty much like the typical drug-fucked teen who gets sent into the Army to get straightened out. Only this teen's mother is being heralded as the ultimate role model for American families. The Palin family is a Yankee Doodle disaster.