So There's Another Movie About How Christians Are Being Repressed In America

Chuck Norris Robo-Calls For Gingrich

Newt Tweets Chuck Norris

Anti-Gay Douchebags: UNITE

The eight hate group leaders behind their new hero have all been the subject of multiple JMG posts. Vomit.

Chuck Norris Wants The Christian Bible To Be Taught In Every Public School

And all of his wigs agree!

Crazy Chuck Norris Wants To Make Sure All Crazy Gun Nuts Get Out And Vote

At least everyone is dressed like a convict.

World's Second-Worst Hairpiece Suggested To Replace Michael Steele As RNC Chair

In a long story about potential candidates to replace RNC chair Michael Steele, Politics Daily closes with this:

Maybe the GOP just wants to forget questions such as color and gender and pick the Republicans Party's resident bad-ass. I'm talking, of course, about arch-conservative author, actor, and martial arts champion Chuck Norris. If you have high school kids, you've heard them: Chuck Norris jokes. [Sample: "When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down." Or, "Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas."] My favorite: "Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King -- and got one." Isn't that the kind of leader the Republicans need? In 2008, Norris endorsed Mike Huckabee for president, an endorsement Huckabee announced with a straight-faced Chuck Norris joke of his own: "My plan to secure the border? Two words: Chuck Norris." The Huck didn't win the White House, but it wasn't Norris' fault. Or as the teenagers might say: "Chuck Norris doesn't need Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee's party needs Chuck Norris."

World Net Daily, where Norris writes foaming-mouthed Christian-right screeds, seems to be taking the satire seriously.

Chuck Norris: I May Run For President Of Texas

Over at World Net Daily, five-time Hairpiece Olympics gold medalist Chuck Norris is stoking the secessionist movement, saying he may run for president of Texas. He's only half joking.

When I appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show, he told me that someone had asked him, "Do you really believe that there is going to be trouble in the future?" And he answered, "If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely. It was these types of thoughts that led me to utter the tongue-n-cheek frustration on Glenn Beck's radio show, "I may run for president of Texas!" I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it. As most know, Texas was its own country before it joined the Union as its 28th state. From 1836 to 1846, Texas was its own Republic. Washington-on-the-Brazos (river) served as our Philadelphia, Pa. It was there, on March 2, 1836, where a band of patriots forged the Texas Declaration of Independence.

Norris wants to "rekindle the patriotic fires of early America" and is hosting a creepily titled live telecast of the Glenn Beck show called "We Surround Them." During the show "cells" of the new secessionist movement will have viewing parties around the nation. Cells, as in terrorist cells. The show airs March 13th.

Wig Force 2: Electric Boogaloo

Chuck Norris, 2008 Nightmare Hairpiece Olympics gold medalist, thinks that protesting against the result of Prop 8 is anarchy.

Regardless of one's opinion of Proposition 8, it is flat-out wrong and un-American to intimidate and harass individuals, churches and businesses that are guilty of nothing more than participating in the democratic process. Political protests are one thing, but when old-fashioned bullying techniques are used that restrict voting liberties and even prompt fear of safety, activists have crossed a line. There is a difference between respectfully advocating one's civil rights and demanding public endorsement of what many still consider to be unnatural sexual behavior through cruel coercion and repression tactics. One thing is for sure: The days of peaceful marches, such as those headed up by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., seem to be long gone.

The truth is that the great majority of Prop. 8 advocates are not bigots or hatemongers. They are American citizens who are following 5,000 years of human history and the belief of every major people and religion: Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Their pro-Prop. 8 votes weren't intended to deprive any group of its rights; they were safeguarding their honest convictions regarding the boundaries of marriage.

On Nov. 4, the pro-gay community obviously was flabbergasted that a state that generally leans left actually voted right when it came to holy matrimony. But that's exactly what happened; the majority of Californians -- red, yellow, black and white -- voted to define the margins of marriage as being between one man and one woman. California is the 30th state in our union to amend its constitution in doing so, joining Florida and Arizona in this election. Like it or not, it's the law now. The people have spoken.

Norris leads off his piece with a mention of Styrofoam Cross Lady, who has become the go-to example "gay extremism" thanks to a couple of idiots in Palm Springs. Norris has become a popular columnist on right-wing sites such as Townhall and WingNutDaily. For those keeping track of those so in love with "traditional marriage", Norris is twice-married with five kids, including a bastard child from an adulterous affair. His present wife, 28 years younger than Norris, is also younger than two of his children. He does not believe in evolution, but does believe in the Hair Club For Men.

Hairpiece Prayer Watch

Washington DC, Sunday afternoon

For unknown reasons, Chuck Norris' exercise infomercial is playing on the TV in our hotel room.

Jerry: Ugh, I can't believe I used to think he was hot.
JMG: I don't think I ever did, but especially not now that he's a right-wing nutjob. He writes a column on some Christianist website. It's mostly about Jeebus. And kung-fu.
Ken: Well, he needs to ask Jeebus for a better wig.