Overheard On Second Avenue

Second Avenue, Wednesday, 9:45PM

Woman On Cell Phone: "You're still at the office? What's that music? I can hear music. Why is there music at your office? Where are you really? OK, fine. Send me a photo of your desk right now and I'll believe you. I'll wait. Hello? Don't you fucking hang up on me! Hello?"

Conde Elevator

A newly viral Twitter account taken verbatim from the elevator at Conde Naste.

Japanese Diet Pills

Walgreens, Upper East Side, Monday 10pm

Old Lady: "Where can I get some of those nuclear pills?"

Clerk: "What, like, diet pills?"

Old Lady: "No! No! The ones they have in Japan!"

Clerk: "Japanese diet pills?"

The Bitches Of The House

Island House, poolside, Key West, 2PM

A new arrival shows off his colorful thong to his friends...

Friend 1: Oh, honey! Don't ask, don't TEAL!
Friend 2: Yes, that thing needs some cloture in the back.
Thong Man: Bitches of the House, I move we suspend this debate.

Piano Player

Madison Square Garden, Wednesday, 9pm

Stoner Dude: Fuck that, she's not bi. No such thing. She's just softening you up for the big lesbo announcement.

Rock Chick: No such thing? Just because you can't imagine it personally doesn't mean there's no such thing as bisexuals. That's like saying because YOU don't know how to play the piano, there's no such thing as piano players.

Stoner Dude: Actually I'm a rad piano player.

Rock Chick: ......

The Luckiest Girl In The World

Walgreens, Second Avenue, 12:30pm

Chick 1: Flu shots, $25. I guess it's that time again.

Chick 2: Richard got me one for my birthday last year.

Chick 1: You're joking.

Chick 2: Plus dinner at Olive Garden.

Chick 1: You're joking.

Chick 2: I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Coffee Talk

Cafe Figo, First Avenue, 1PM

Linda Richman Look-A-Like: So anyway, false alarm, thank the BVM. But I told her that if she EVAH makes me a grandma before I'm 50, I'll move down to her Nanna Marie's in Boca so fast it'll make her weave spin.

Dancing As Fast As He Can

Citibank ATM vestibule, First Avenue, 8:30am

MAN ON CELL: OK, fine. Fine! I'll go without you. But you know what, Ed? No matter how much time you spend at that fucking gym, tomorrow morning when you get up you are still going to be 47 years old. You spend so much time trying to look good, nobody actually sees you.

Yeah, Totally

Rite Aid, Second Avenue, 8am

Cashier: And that comes to $10.02.

Elderly Man: OK, wait I have the pennies.

He empties his pocket onto the counter and a small diamond-shaped blue pill skitters towards the cashier, who quickly pushes it back towards him with a gasp.

Elderly Man: That's an ALIEVE!

Cashier (expressionless): Oh. I believe you. Yeah, totally.

Not Beyonce

Cafe Figo, First Avenue, 8:30am

Nurse 1: I am so goddamn sick of hearing him talk about marrying Beyonce. ALL day. He's crazy! He really thinks he's gonna marry her!

Nurse 2: Actually he's saying fiance. Not Beyonce. It's his accent.

Nurse 1: Oh. Well, them damn Russians need to learn how to talk right.

The Closer

Duane Reade, 1st Avenue, 8:30am

Hipster Dude 1: And then she said I was emotionally crippled, that my family is all freaks, that I'm going nowhere in my job, that I'm lazy, that I've got bad taste. She just went on and on.

Hipster Dude 2: What did you say?

Hipster Dude 1: I told her she's fat.

Hipster Dude 2: Game. Set. Match.

True In Their World, True In Ours

Cafe Figo, First Avenue, 2pm

Hipster Chick 1: Anyway, it starts at 11. Wanna go? You can be my plus one.

Hipster Chick 2: I'm sick of being everybody's plus one. When do I get my name on the list?

Hipster Chick 1: Blowing the promoter always helps.

The New Economy

Walgreens, Second Avenue, 9pm

Woman In Scrubs: I like to keep an unscratched $5 Lotto ticket on my desk. It feels like a mystery savings account.

Female Friend: You should upgrade to a $20 ticket. Then you can pretend it's a trust fund.

It's You Girl And You Should Know It

Walgreens, Upper East Side, 7PM

Female Voice On Intercom: Mary Richards, your order is ready for pickup at the pharmacy. Mary Richards.

Clearly Gay Male Voice On Intercom: Mr. Graaaaant, your order is ready at the pharmacy. Mr. Graaaaaant.

Because They Really Aren't

At last night's marriage rally in Times Square, a family of tourists passed by the protesters' pen with the mother shaking her head in disapproval at the activists. That prompted a trio of protesting women to alter their chant.

"Leggings on are not pants! Leggings are not pants!"

I love my people.

No Signs Of Life

L Train, Monday, 9:30pm

Hipster Chick 1: Yeah, so it's pretty big and the price is OK, but it's waaay at the end of the R train.
Hipster Chick 2: Totally BFE out there.
Hipster Chick 1: Right? And Kristen pointed out that we hadn't seen a single gay man the entire time.
Hipster Chick 2: Like I said, beyond civilization.
Hipster Chick 1: Totally.

She Fights Her Own Battles

Post Office, East 70th Street, 2PM

An elderly woman is taking a very long time at the automated postage computer and a lengthy line has formed behind her.

Young Man (very loudly): There should be a muthafuckin' age limit for these machines!
Middle-Aged Man: Sir! That language is uncalled for around ladies! Unacceptable!
Elderly Woman: Thank you, but I can fight my own battles. (Speaking to young man) Eat shit, dick face!
Young Woman: ROCK ON!

But Zebra-Print Pants Are OK

East Village, Nowhere Bar, Sunday, 1:30am

Fashion Victim: Oh, don't get me wrong. He's totally hot and funny and nice and all that. But I just can't see myself ever loving somebody who thought knuckle tattoos were a good idea.

See What You Just Did?

Food Emporium, Wednesday, 8PM, UES

6 Year-Old Girl: I hate this place! Why do we have to come here!

Dad: How do you think all that food gets to our kitchen? Magic?

6 Year-Old Girl: Well, I'm gonna wish that every night everybody's kitchen fills up with food so nobody has to ever come here ever ever ever again!

Dad: OK. And then there won't be any more farms, or any more cows or sheep or chickens, and all the people in all the grocery stores in all of the world won't have any place to work and they'll all die. See what you just did?

Costume Decisions

Tuesday, 10pm, Chelsea

Twink 1: What should I go as for Halloween?
Twink 2: A top?
Twink 1: Funny. And you can go as "sobriety."