OKLAHOMA: GOP US House Candidate Says Opponent Is Dead And Has Been Replaced By A Robot Or Lookalike Human

"I, Timothy Ray Murray, am a human, born in Oklahoma, and obtained and continue to fully meet the requirements to serve as U.S. Representative when honored to so. I will never use a look alike to replace my (The Office’s) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have. Rep. Frank Lucas, and a few other Oklahoma and other States’ Congressional Members were depicted as being executed by The World Court on or about Jan. 11, 2011 in Southern Ukraine. On television they were depicted as being executed by the hanging about the neck until death on a white stage and in front of witnesses. Other now current Members of Congress have shared those facts on television also. We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or manmade replacements, however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time. The World knows the truth and We must always display and communicate the truth. I will always share public information with the truth when honored to serve as your Representative." - Timothy Murray, Oklahoma Tea Party candidate for the US House, writing on his campaign website.

UPDATE: Some sites such as New York Magazine have identified Murray as a Tea Party candidate. Others are merely calling him a GOP candidate. For now, I've changed the headline to remove "Tea Party."

The Greatest Thing You'll See Today

An Iowa woman recorded her neighbor as she confronted her for harvesting rhubarb from near her back fence. The resulting outburst from already virally-famous Rhubarb Lady could have been scripted by John Waters. Seriously, this is like an outtake from Serial Mom and I can't stop laughing.

(Via Gawker)

Illinois Catholic Priest Calls 911: "Help! I Can't Get Out Of These Handcuffs!"

The 911 operator in Springfield, Illinois fielded an unusual emergency call from the local Catholic church in late November.  The story was published yesterday by the Illinois Times.

The pastor of St. Aloysius church on Springfield’s north end has been granted a leave of absence after he called 911 from the rectory and told a dispatcher that he needed help getting out of handcuffs. “I’m going to need help getting out before this becomes a medical emergency,” Father Tom Donovan told a dispatcher who sounds a bit incredulous during the Nov. 28 call. “You’re stuck in a pair of handcuffs?” the dispatcher asks. “(I was) playing with them and I need help getting out,” Donovan responds. Donovan told the dispatcher that he was alone in the rectory. It’s not clear exactly how he ended up in handcuffs or why he feared a medical emergency. His voice sounds garbled or muffled on the tape, and sources say that police discovered some sort of gag on the priest when they arrived. The diocese has been tight-lipped about the matter, saying only that Bishop Thomas Paprocki granted Donovan’s request for a leave of absence at some point before Christmas.

Bolding is mine. It took me a few extra minutes to write this post because I was laughing so hard at the 911 call. I am a horrible person.

(Tipped by JMG reader Michael)

Four Horsemen, Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop

Mrs. Frothy Wrote A Book In 2003

Boing Boing rips it to shreds. You can still get it on Amazon.

Go-Go Juice & Pageant Crack

Truly we are a doomed nation.

OMG

Newly added to the Oxford English Dictionary:

For the March 2011 release of OED Online, we have selected for publication a number of noteworthy initialisms—abbreviations consisting of the initial letters of a name or expression. Some of these—such as OMG [OMG int. (and n.) and adj.]: ‘Oh my God’ (or sometimes ‘gosh’, ‘goodness’, etc.) and LOL [LOL int. and n./2]: ‘laughing out loud’—are strongly associated with the language of electronic communications (email, texting, social networks, blogs, and so on). They join other entries of this sort: IMHO (‘in my humble opinion’) [IMHO at I n./1], TMI (‘too much information’) [TMI at T n.], and BFF (‘best friends forever’) [BFF at B n.], among others. [snip] As such usage indicates, many people would consider these recent coinages, from the last 10 or 20 years, and associate them with a younger generation conversant with all forms of digital communications. As is often the case, OED’s research has revealed some unexpected historical perspectives: our first quotation for OMG is from a personal letter from 1917; the letters LOL had a previous life, starting in 1960, denoting an elderly woman (or ‘little old lady’; see LOL n./1); and the entry for FYI [FYI phr., adj., and n.], for example, shows it originated in the language of memoranda in 1941.

OHIO: Drunk Driving Catholic Priest Offers Blowjobs To Arresting Officers

Miss Arkansas

Miss New York and her unprecedented platform of LGBT equality did not triumph at Miss America tonight. Neither did Miss Arkansas, but her talent of yodeling ventriloquism will surely be what people remember.

Mercy Jesus! WTF? Even Through Chanel Shades, I Can See The Light!

Cadillac Kimberly sends out an extremely very super NSFW and freekin' hilarious rant against Bishop Eddie Long.

OMFG WTF MTA?

The Working Families Party is warring with NYC for their refusal to allow a subway advertising campaign complaining about recently announced cuts in service. At issue is the "obscene internet shorthand" used in the ads.

The MTA is not ROTFL at parody signs that use cheeky acronyms to criticize City Hall. "WTF?" asks one of two posters the Metropolitan Transportation Authority has refused to display on subways and buses. "OMFG," declares the second of the "Service Nightmare" posters, which mimic official service-change bulletins and were rejected as unsuitable by the MTA. The campaign was created by the Working Families Party, which contends Mayor Bloomberg has been "missing in action" during the authority's fiscal crisis, leaving riders on track for sweeping reductions in bus and subway service. But transit officials rejected the spots because the acronyms imply obscene language that many riders may find "offensive, improper or in bad taste," MTA spokesman Kevin Ortiz said. The ads also look too much like the real thing, using subway-line logos to form the suggestive acronyms, according to the MTA. Some riders might believe they are real authority bulletins, officials said - or that the authority agrees with the political message.

Beginning on June 27th there will be no more W or Z trains. About two dozen bus routes will also be deleted.

Submitted Without Comment