AUSTRALIA: Agriculture Minister Says Gay Marriage Will Hurt Cattle Exports

Via Australia's ABC affiliate:

Federal Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce has warned Asian countries could see Australia as "decadent" if moves to legalise same-sex marriage are successful. Mr Joyce was asked about comments last week by another frontbencher opposed to gay marriage, Eric Abetz, who is the Leader of the Government in the Senate. Senator Abetz suggested that if Asian countries did not accept same-sex marriage then Australia should not either, pointing to the often-repeated phrase that for Australia this was the Asian century. "Eric is right in saying where we live economically is south east Asia, that's where our cattle go," Mr Joyce told the ABC's Insiders program. "When we go there, there are judgments whether you like it or not that are made about us. They see us as decadent."

Australia's Parliament will consider a marriage bill when it resumes next month.

This Is An Ad For Something

Ad Week scratches their head:

Poo-Pourri's marketing team would like you to know its odor-trapping spray isn't just for poo. You can use it to save water, too, by not flushing your pee. To make its case, the company is out with an ad featuring a foul-mouthed octogenarian who spouts a steaming stream of double entendres about urinating. It's trying for the same kind of willfully gross irony as the brand's popular past ads with their fancy British accents. But the randy granny might not be as charmingly refined as the well-dressed socialite, or as ridiculous as Santa Claus caught on the throne. So far, a good number of YouTube commenters just seem baffled. That's understandable.

The clip has 1.7M views already.

This Is A Real Rand Paul Ad

Via CNN:

A photoshopped image of Ted Cruz in boxing clothes. Another image of a shirtless and brawny Rand Paul. And lots of fire-breathing bald eagles. America's Liberty PAC — a pro-Paul super PAC — is releasing a five-figure digital ad buy over the weekend, featuring a WWE-style video that promotes a rare gathering of the U.S. Senate this Sunday to debate the Patriot Act just as key provisions of the law are set to expire. "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday," the juiced-up narrator says, previewing what the PAC is calling a "brawl for liberty" on the Senate floor. The video goes after Cruz, calling him a "capitulating Canadian," a likely reference to Cruz's support for legislation that would tweak the NSA domestic phone surveillance program but still reauthorizes portions of the Patriot Act.

Focus On The Family: Same-Sex Marriage Will Turn America Into A Ghost Town

Sen. Ted Cruz: Hispanics Don't Panhandle

"I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Hispanic panhandler. And the reason is: In our community it would be shameful to be begging on the street. I think the Hispanic community is a fundamentally conservative community. If you look at the values that resonate in our community, they’re faith, family, patriotism, hard work,” Cruz said. “Now if you want people to work their fingers to their bone, hard work, you’ll have Hispanic men and women lining up to work hard to provide for their families. Those are all conservative values." - Sen. Ted Cruz, speaking yesterday with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce.

And then he tweeted this.

The Dildo Of Death

Literally. Via Awesomely Luvvie:

I don’t understand humanity sometimes, and of course we’re heading for doom. Stephen Hawking said so and now I’m sure of it. I read an article yesterday about a dildo you can order with your loved one’s ashes inside. Don’t let something like death preclude your boo from having a hand in your pleasure life. DON’T LET IT. It is called 21 Grams, and was created by a dude named Mark Sturkenboom. He put the dildo as part of a package of mementos for your lost love. And it comes in a music box that is opened with a necklace. Is this travel-friendly? Let’s say you’re going somewhere and you’re not checking in your luggage, will be you able to take this through airport security? Will TSA stop you and confiscate your Ash Rabbit? Is this guaranteed to never break? I hope this dildo is sealed REALLY well because if it breaks somehow and powder of the dead ends up in your vaginal walls… talk about traumatic. 

Ash Rabbit. Hit the link for many hysterical comments. This one put me on the floor: "If you can’t make them come back from the dead, at least the dead can make you come from the back." (Tipped by JMG reader Jeff)

Headline Of The Day

Details. (Tipped by JMG reader TJ)

UPDATE: Vice has posted a not work-safe clip.

Because He Nailed It

Britain's Portswood Church has launched a rather bizarre Easter campaign on social media with the title "Because He Nailed It." I thought this was a spoof when I first saw it.

GOP Fights Immigration With GIFs

Last week the GOP-led House Judiciary Committee decided to fight immigration reform by posting ten GIFs to their official federal government site. Because Britney Spears and the Little Mermaid might have more traction with the public. Or something.

Family Research Council: Racist Fraternity Chants Are The Fault Of Dan Savage

"Dan Savage, who is now having his life story being portrayed on a new sitcom on ABC, you know, here’s a guy that’s responsible for the coarsening of civil discussion and conversation being celebrated, at a time when there are knuckleheads who are still spewing from their lips the sort of nonsense that we’ve heard from these fraternity members."

Headline Of The Day

Details.

Wingnuts: Gay Marriage Is Like Slavery

Founded by former NOM chairman Robert George, the Witherspoon Institute today argues that the Supreme Court's Windsor ruling is just like Dred Scott, the infamous 1857 ruling which held that African-Americans could not be considered citizens. From their site Public Discourse:

In legal form and substance, the decisions in Windsor and Dred Scott are surprisingly parallel. Windsor involved a same-sex marriage that was recognized by the state of New York but not recognized by the federal government due to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). The Court held that DOMA denied “due process of law” because it withheld federal recognition to a state-law legal status. That is exactly the same thing the Court did in Dred Scott. Instead of marriage, Dred Scott involved the status of slavery, which was recognized by the state of Missouri, but not by federal law in federal territory. Scott’s master, a captain in the army, had taken Scott to Fort Snelling, in the free federal territory of present-day Minnesota. The federal Missouri Compromise of 1820 banned the status of slavery in federal territory north of a designated line. Dred Scott held that the Missouri Compromise denied “due process of law” because it withheld federal recognition to a state-law legal status. That is just what Windsor did with respect to DOMA.

In both Dred Scott and Windsor, the Court’s legal analysis was transparently result-oriented: the justices wanted a particular result, and manipulated the law to reach the outcome they thought preferable as a social-policy matter. In both cases, the majority’s “reasoning” wanders aimlessly before finally settling into the same oft-discredited judicial invention of “substantive due process”—the idea that it is simply morally wrong, or mean, for a democracy to deny a legal right or status conferred under the law of a different jurisdiction. In both cases, the majority opinions were subject to devastating dissents, and they produced greatly divided public reaction. It is hard to avoid the conclusion that Dred Scott and Windsor are two peas from the same judicial-activist pod.

Public Discourse is the occasional blogging home of Mark Regnerus and Ryan Anderson.

Biden Gives Shout Out To "Butt Buddy"

Via the New York Post:

Joe Biden put his foot where the sun don’t shine at a speech in Iowa when he punctuated his remarks by giving a shout-out to his “butt buddy.” At one point during the talk in Des Moines, the Vice President declared: “Neal Smith, an old butt buddy. Are you here, Neal? Neal, I miss you, man. I miss you.” If the bizarre use of 80s teenage slang was a stutter or a slip up, the Vice President didn’t stop to correct himself. Neal Smith is a 94-year-old former Iowa congressman who was pals with the VP when Biden was a Senator.

Wingnuts are mocking up a storm.

Christian Blogger: Satan Is Attacking Me Because I Refuse To Wear Leggings

Via the Christian Post:

A Christian blogger under fire for saying women who wear leggings inadvertently risk tempting members of the opposite sex, says that she and her husband are under attack from Satan. Oregon resident Veronica Partridge, 25, sparked a firestorm of criticism earlier this month when she said she had chosen to stop wearing leggings as pants in public to honor her Christian faith in a candid blog post that went viral. While supporters have praised the married mother of one for promoting modesty, her Facebook page has been flooded with criticism from people who say that her post promotes gender stereotypes and sexism. "I've had a lot of both positive and negative responses, probably more negative than positive ... it's definitely not what I was expecting," Partridge told The Christian Post exclusively.

Satan's attacks, by the way, are coming in the form of Facebook comments. 

Headline Of The Day

From the New York Post:

He’s really sinking his teeth into single life. Just months out of jail, “Cannibal Cop” Gilberto Valle is seeking a gal who suits his taste — in an online dating profile that lists “cooking” as a favorite hobby. The Match.com profile proclaims that Valle — who was found guilty of plotting to cook and eat his now-ex-wife, a conviction which a judge later tossed — is seeking a “non-judgmental” woman who’s “a little kinky ;).” Under the handle “AmicableOne14,” the 30-year-old, disgraced former NYPD officer notes he’s a big foodie looking for a woman age 24 to 32 who likes cooking, dining out and wine tasting. Valle, who was released from jail in July, is under a “supervised release” schedule in which he must make curfew. Valle was freed on $100,000 bond after a surprise ruling that tossed his conviction for scheming to kidnap, kill, cook and eat his then-wife and other women — because a judge claimed it was all fantasy. Valle admitted to engaging in depraved online interactions but claimed he never ­in­tend­ed to carry out the grisly plots.

Wut?

Kirk Cameron Is Saving Coffee

Now that his movie saved Christmas, Kirk Cameron has launched a companion coffee which he's selling for a holy $19/lb. Tagline: "Brew every day like you are saving Christmas."

Fox News "Terrorism Expert" Claims That Birmingham, England Is Totally Muslim

Via the Guardian:

An American "terrorism expert" on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that Birmingham is "a totally Muslim" city "where non-Muslims just simply don't go". Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the hundreds of thousands of non-Muslim residents of Britain's second-largest city, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Muslims are apparently in complete control. "In Britain, it's not just no-go zones, there are actual cities like Birmingham that are totally Muslim where non-Muslims just simply don't go in," he said. Mr Emerson, who describes himself as "an internationally recognised expert on terrorism", did not stop there. "Parts of London, there are actually Muslim religious police that actually beat and actually wound seriously anyone who doesn't dress according to Muslim, religious Muslim attire," he proclaimed, without giving examples. He described Birmingham as one of a number of European cities "where sharia courts were set up, where Muslim density is very intense, where the police don't go in, and where it's basically a separate country almost, a country within a country."

Emerson's claims immediately spawned the #FoxNewsFacts hashtag on Twitter. Click over and enjoy. The Mirror has compiled some of the best ones here.

Lindsey Graham Welcomes Joni Ernst To Senate With A Hog Castration Device

Ernst's first campaign ad bragged that she is a woman of the people because she has castrated hogs. As all people have.

Thanks, Crazy Eyes!

Remember when Crazy Eyes vowed that we'd see $2 gas once she became president? This weekend wingnut sites are falling over each other to congratulate her. High gas prices? Obama's fault! Low gas prices? Thanks, Crazy Eyes! The headlines below are from World Net Daily, Twitchy, and Newsbusters.