Viral Video Of The Day

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Headline Of The Day

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Open Thread Thursday

Where are you today? Who are you with?

Dance Of The Sugar Plum Lesbians

This story makes its eleventh annual appearance on JMG....

Grand Central Terminal functions as the mechanical heart of midtown New York City, pumping out several thousand workers and tourists on one beat, then sucking in several thousand more on the next.

The rhythms of the terminal are fascinating.

Beat. Four thousand, inbound from New Haven.

Beat. Three thousand, outbound to Westchester.

Worlds collide on the main floor.

The tourists gawk up at the gloriously ornate ceiling and uselessly flash their digital cameras at objects hundreds of feet away.

The commuters rush up to the track displays to determine their track number, then dart across the terminal floor, dodging the milling tourists, heads down, like running backs heading for the end zone.

It's mesmerizing. It's majestic.

And sometimes, like tonight, it's magical.

I'm walking through the massive main room just as the holiday laser show begins on the ceiling. To the tune of Take The "A" Train, the laser depicts two trains arriving from different directions. The trains stop opposite each other and a reindeer leaps out of each one and crosses over to the opposite train.

The laser traces the outline of one of the zodiac constellations painted on the ceiling. The Cancer crab leaps to life and becomes the Crab Conductor, waddling down the center aisle of the car, punching the reindeers' ticket stubs with his claws.

I move over to the edge of the room, near the entrance for Track 25, so I can watch the reaction to the show. As usual, I'm more entertained by watching the audience than by watching the actual show.

At the ticket windows, standing in front of signs that say "Harlem Line" or "Hudson Line", commuters tilt their heads painfully back to view the show directly overhead. The tourists cluster in delighted circles, holding each others' elbows for balance as they nearly bend over backwards.

Some people move to the edges of the great hall, as I have, to remove themselves from the traffic flow while they watch. Among those that come to join me on the perimeter of the room is a lesbian couple. They stand quite close to me, the taller woman behind the shorter one, with her arms wrapped around her, supporting her a bit as they both lean back on the marble wall.

The shorter woman is stout with a large firm chest. Her hair is short and brushed back into what might have once been called a ducktail. She has an ornate tattoo on her left forearm and she has a leather wallet protruding from the rear pocket of her jeans, attached to her leather belt by a short silver chain. She has more than a passing resemblance to Tony Danza, her big boobs notwithstanding, so naturally (in my head) I name her Toni.

Toni's girlfriend is blond and her short ponytail dangles just above her collar. She is wearing long Christmas tree earrings which nearly brush her shoulders. Her lanky, sinewy limbs are bound in a tight running outfit, over which she is wearing a school athletic jacket. I imagine that she might be a coach at Yale or Harvard, perhaps a girls lacrosse coach, or maybe track and field.

Coach is squeezing Toni tightly and they bounce together to the music a bit. Coach looks over at me and catches me smiling. She nudges Toni, who looks over at me too, and we all grin goofily at each other for a moment.

Overhead, a new show begins. The familiar opening notes of Tchaikovsky's Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies ring out as the Empire State and the Chrysler buildings sprout arms, bow to each other, and begin waltzing across the ceiling.

I look around the room and it's as if time was frozen for just a second, every person stopped in mid-stride, eyes cast upward, mouths open in silent joy.

Toni pushes away from Coach, turns around and delivers her a bow as deep and as elegant as the one just depicted overheard.

"Madame, may I please have this dance?" she asks Coach.

Coach looks around a bit awkwardly. "You are TOO much!" And she giggles.

"Madame, I must insist!" says Toni, as she takes Coach's hands into hers.

Coach relents and she and Toni begin a beautiful, slow waltz, moving in half-time to the music. As you might have guessed already, Toni leads.

As they dance, their eyes remain locked on each other. Toni is giving Coach an intense look, her lips tightly curled into a satisfied smile. Coach is grinning from ear to ear and again, she giggles.

All around Coach and Toni, the tourists, the businessmen, the students, the conductors, even the guy with a broom...they're all watching. Some are expressionless, but more are smiling, and some of them...some of them are frantically fussing with their cameras, eager to capture this magical New York Moment.

Serendipity prevails, the tune ends, and Toni dips Coach backwards with a dramatic up-sweep of her free arm as a firestorm of camera flashes erupt around them. Toni pulls Coach up and close to her and they hug. There's another camera flash and the crowd begins to move along.

Then.

"Hey, look!"

The laser show is being concluded with giant sprigs of mistletoe appearing over our heads. This time it's Coach who bends down and plants a long tender kiss on Toni's non-lipsticked mouth. There's another flash of cameras from the delighted audience.

Toni takes Coach's hand and they begin to move off towards the exit.

"Oh, don't stop!" says a disappointed woman, still rummaging for her camera.

Toni looks back over her shoulder and says, "I never will."

Grand Central Terminal, the mechanical heart of New York City, beats again. But this time I hear a different rhythm. This time I hear a double beat.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!

Headline Of The Day

Via the Tallahassee Democrat:

Susan Hemeryck, 54, told two Florida Department of Law Enforcement Capitol Police officers that she was "sorry and had to take down the Satanic display," because it was "not right" before she attempted to tear it about 11:30 a.m. Hemeryck then tried to remove the display. Officers stopped her and told her to put it back. One of the officers explained to her that removing the display was in violation of the law. In response, Hemeryck said, she "could not take it anymore" and began to rip the display apart. She was then escorted away and placed under arrest.

There's more at Raw Story.

The Most Wonderful Time to be Queer

From the morning radio team at Denver's KS107 FM.

(Tipped by JMG reader Don)

Merry Christmas From NARTH

If there's a message here, I'm not getting it.

(Tipped by JMG reader Jay)

This Is Madonna's Xmas Wreath

Seriously.

WATCH: Darlene Love's Last Letterman

On Friday night Darlene Love closed out a three-decade run of performing her holiday classic on The Late Show. Via Rolling Stone:

The tradition began in 1986 when Love first performed "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" on Letterman's Late Night program on NBC, and while a small four-piece band backed the "He's a Rebel" singer for that rendition, the size of the performances have increased throughout the years, with 2014's version of the 1963 Christmas favorite one of the largest ensembles yet: Nearly a dozen backup singers, strings, a horn section and Love – still sounding as vibrant as she did in 1986 – all recreating the track's Wall of Sound production. The Rock and Roll Hall of Famer delivers her penultimate verse atop band leader Paul Shaffer's piano and stays up for the remainder of the segment. The move was triumphant, poignant and strategic: Love would later reveal to the New York Times that she hopped up there to avoid embracing Letterman during the performance, because she was concerned she'd break down in tears; the two just shake hands instead.

Love says that she'll never perform the song on TV again.

Warwick Rowers Holiday Singalong

I suspect you won't mind the singing.

Last Christmas (I Gayview Mahat)

The Wham classic. Lyrics via Facebook names.

Inside The Key West Christmas Cab

So this happened the other night on our way back to Island House. Father Tony writes:

Joe and I returning from El Siboney Cuban Restaurant - per our tradition - got into the Best. Cab. Ever. The driver said, "Are you guys ready for Christmas?" We said no, and he fired up Bing Crosby doing the Hawaiian Christmas Song and then he said, "Mind if I turn on my Christmas lights?" Suddenly the floor of the cab was in synch with the music.

And then the cabbie performed Christmas In Hollis.

Open Thread Thursday

Where will you be in one week? Who will you be with?

Supercut: Darlene Love On Letterman

Via Stereogum:

Every year since 1986, David Letterman has invited Darlene Love to perform on the last show of the year before Christmas. Every year, she sings “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” her Phil Spector-produced 1963 Christmas classic. Every year, Paul Shaffer and a sprawling cast of musicians backs her up. Next May, Letterman will retire from late-night TV, which means that when Love appears on Friday’s show to sing “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” it’ll be the last time singing it on Letterman’s show.

By far my favorite Xmas song. Watch this supercut of Love's performances on Letterman over the last three decades.

The Hand Of God Brought You The Todd Starnes All-American Xmas Special

Cruz Was Tammy Baldwin's Secret Santa

Sen. Al Franken launched a Secret Santa program in the Senate in 2011 in order to bridge the "partisan divide." This year the very anti-gay Ted Cruz drew the name of lesbian Sen. Tammy Baldwin. Via Wisconsin's Cap Times:

Thanks to the intrepid reporting of entertainment gossip outlet TMZ — whose reporters apparently chase after politicians in addition to more glamorous celebrities — America learned this week that Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, was partnered with two Democrats for the Senate Secret Santa exchange, a tradition in its fourth year. One of those Democrats was Wisconsin's (and Madison's) own Sen. Tammy Baldwin. "A number of senators participate in a bipartisan way, and we give gifts to each other as a Secret Santa," Cruz told TMZ. Cruz said there was a limit of $15, because "politicians are inherently cheap." "I was Tammy Baldwin's Secret Santa, and she likes cooking, so I gave her a Texas cookbook," Cruz said. "And Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) was my Secret Santa, and he gave me a collection of food and things from Alaska, which were very nice."

Baldwin drew Sen. John Walsh (D-MT) and he got Spotted Cow, a Wisconsin craft beer.

Stocking Stuffer

It's called the Silencing Slider:

Each Gorge Ohwell Silencing Slider is an artisan crafted censorship device that is ergonomically designed to comfortably plug even the loudest of burger holes. Made of soft and non-toxic natural food grade silicone rubber, the gag has no unpleasant plastic smells or odors. Give the Gift that Keeps on Gagging. Comfortable, ergonomic design. Local sourced and crafted.

Fifty bucks. (Tipped by JMG reader Ed)

Todd Starnes Has A Fox Xmas Special

At Boston's Santa Speedo Run 2014

Video by JMG reader Rob.

The Couch Gag Before Christmas

Tomacco!